World’s Most Unoffensive Mascot Is Oddly Offensive

Small mishaps become huge tragedies when life is boring. Last night, I spilled my pouch of powdered cheese while making Mac & Cheese and I was so upset that you’d swear in that moment – I had a baby, named it, and raised it just long enough for it to kick me in the balls and runaway forever.

While Da Vinci was busy trying to turn iron into gold he should’ve been turning sand into candy. All the beaches of the world would’ve been transformed into a sweet treat for your feet!

Realistically, the sun would melt the candy and a few people would die each year from getting stuck in that goopy mess. Eventually, whiny liberals would demand the de-candinization of all beaches.

Life provides few things more satisfying than eating half a sandwich and seeing the other half, un-touched, waiting for your mouth to devour it. Fat people feel the same way about ice cream cake.

Sometimes I refer to using the bathroom as “puttin’ money in the bank”. Coincidentally, I refer to putting money in the bank as “peeing”.

If all bees take gym class together – bumblebee is the last one picked and Hornet is the douchebag captain that always gets to pick his own team. Ultimately, justice will prevail because after Bee School graduation, Hornet will be stuck repairing holes for Hive County while Bumblebee owns a bunch of flowers and bangs Honey Bees all day.

Some men complain about the Vagina Monologues because they don’t want to hear women talk about their vaginas. Really? Sounds good to me. My only complaint is you have to wear pants.

Maybe I’m confused about what feminism is but I work in a kitchen and one time, I vacuumed something, so take that Susan B. Anthony!

Humans are scared of bugs because they have too many legs. We’re scared of snakes because they have no legs. But if you have between two and four legs, you are okay by humans. Unless you have three legs. That’s fuckin’ creepy.

Why would people eat the kinds of fruit, like grapes and cherries, that have pits in them? There are pitless versions of these fruits. One can only assume that “pit-eaters” are pretending they’re extreme just to impress their fellow snooty fruit friends.

The Chiquita Banana Lady and the Jolly Green Giant are probably pretty close as far as fruit friends go. Although the Jolly Green Giant represents veggies so I figure that causes some friction.

Most people think about work or loved ones while they lay in bed, waiting to fall asleep – I laugh hysterically thinking about the troubled relationship of two cartoon food mascots. And that’s the difference between a comedian and a well-adjusted, functioning weirdo.