Gerald's Song (Or: How I Lost My Guild)

They told me at Bible Camp that I’d always have a friend in Jesus.

They lied.

I’m alone. No guild, no girl, no glory.

I’m just assuming that Jesus has left me too because if he were walking by my side like my camp counselor promised me he would, he’d never have let this happen to me.

My character, FlyinHaiAgin, may be a gnome warlock, but for all intents and purposes, he is now a rogue.

My demise started when I lost Leanne.

Remember when she blocked me? I did the only thing an honorable General could do – I made another account and whispered her.

TakeMeBackPLZlol: hey girl
Leanneonme: … gerry?
TakeMeBackPLZlol: yeah baby its me. im sorry
Leanneonme: TakeMeBackPLZlol? holy shit you’re a fag
TakeMeBackPLZlol: i said i was sorry i didnt mean it ur not fat
Leannaonme: reporting you 2 blizzard kbai FREAK

And that was that.

I got a 3-day harassment ban after she reported me. I GUESS NO ONE AT BLIZZARD HAS EVER BEEN DUMPED BEFORE.

{Jesus Is My Epic Trinket} collapsed that same night. Apparently not every soul can be converted, no matter how dedicated and how compassionate the evangelism.

Boingboingurmawm: hey wheres leanne
FlyinHaiAgin: boing, leanne won’t be coming back.
Boingboingurmawm: uhhh.. she finally dump ur fag ass? lol
FlyinHaiAgin: we parted ways amicably.
euCLITtyianPWNometry: ok so the only girl in this shitty guild left? fuck this
Boingboingurmawm: ya fuk this shit lol SEE YA u fukkin kweer
Boingboingurmawm has left the guild.
euCLITtyinPWNometry has left the guild.

Like the Exodus in the Old Testament, others followed suit and I was alone the next day. I was a grenadiere with nothing to throw, I was an admiral without a ship. Actually, I was a Guild Master with no one in my guild LOL.

I just didn’t know what to do. I stopped eating Hot Pockets, I stopped drinking Rockstar. Yeah, I went to school, but I wasn’t in the mood to learn anything. I even stopped showering every other day. Well, not that I really needed it – since I wasn’t doing the daily battleground each day, I didn’t even work up a sweat LOL.

My mom noticed that something was wrong. I assumed that she smelled my musk or noticed that my blonde locks weren’t coiffed, but it turns out that she saw I hadn’t come to Azeroth in 3 days. When Gundomomz The DumbAss figures shit out, I guess it’s pretty obvious.

I’m lost. I haven’t led troops to victory in days, I haven’t gotten a “<3" whisper from a girl in even longer, and my guild deserted me. It's over for Gerald. This disgraced General is going AWOL. Don't try to bring me back, either - it won't work. I've busy doing extra credit anyway to bring up my shitty Spanish grades cuz I'm fucking FAILING. Nobody "hablas" that shit in Gary, Indiana so wtf and if they do they're probably poor LOL.

But yeah, guess whose legendary career in Azeroth is OVER? Gerald Gunderson's.

Actually, I'm just gonna re-roll a new toon, probably a paladin, so I can get him to Level 70 before the Wrath of the Lich King expansion comes out. LOL I so fucking fooled you.

Seriously though, I'm pretty lonely help me. :/