Will You Ride My Scooter In Lieu Of A Mustache?

There’s nothing worse than a pimple on your lip. Except maybe getting tied to railroad tracks and not being saved by Popeye. That’s my short list of the worst things ever.

Whenever I see a spider in my apartment I make sure to let it go – to hell – on the paper towel express!

I remember a time when a peanut butter sandwich and a handful of chips was all I needed to be happy. That time was lunch earlier today.

Recently, I witnessed a mother admonish her son for trying to grab a leaf from a tree because he was “hurting the tree”. Learn more about these two in the new documentary, “Nancy Boy: The Makings of a Pansy.”

Every girl I went to high school with is having babies and I feel left out. So I’m saving up my money. Not for a baby – for a vagina.

You know how sometimes you try to bury your hands in soil, grab the roots of trees and control them like some kind of botanical puppet master? That’s just a dream, right?

The laundry room in my apartment building has a brand of dryer called the “Speed Queen” which sounds like a homosexual term for a man who prefers the company of premature ejaculators. If that’s not a term yet, I’m totally going to copyright it. Wait, no I’m not!

Awesomest Guy In The World Update: Today I saw an old guy painting a building with a giant paint roller while a corn cob pipe hung from his mouth and billowed smoke. This has been your Awesomest Guy In The World Update.