Weirdo Exposes Balls Trying To Kick Fire Baby

I was walking alongside the road when I spotted a spork in its natural habitat. I thought about taking it home and giving it a name but it was pretty mangy and missing a prong which it probably lost trying to fend off another stray spork from getting its mashed potatoes.

Why is maple syrup so expensive? Oh, that’s right – because it’s tree blood. And the beaver is nature’s vampire.

Have you ever found yourself lying in an uncomfortable position for so long that it would be more uncomfortable to get yourself out of that position than to stay in it? So now it’s become more comfortable to stay uncomfortable? Anyway, I assume that’s what being a drag queen feels like.

Sometimes I feel like I’m Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? All I want to do is climb to the top of the water tower but the world won’t let me. Also, my brother is Johnny Depp and my mother is 700 pounds.

A bed is just a means to recreate the comforts of the womb. The mattress is the uterus, the pillow is the placenta and the alarm clock is the vagina. Overdue babies hit “snooze”.

If hair were food, dreadlocks would be hot dogs.

Everyone loves Easter Clause but I don’t know how anyone could like the Santa Bunny. Last year, I asked for a toy train and all I got was another damn carrot. We’ll see how many stupid colored eggs I hang on the tree for you this year, Santa Bunny!

Fire trucks are red and school buses are yellow so when children go to Firefighting School, I figure they travel in something orange.

Disney is infamous for sneaking sexy images into their cartoons but did you know that the popular Aladdin song, A Whole New World, is actually about staring into the mirror and choking your partner during sex? A whole new world/Don’t you dare close your eyes/A hundred thousand things to see/Hold your breath it gets better/I’m like a shooting star/I’ve cum so far. GROSS, Aladdin!