Wall Street Noose Market Open For Business

I hate when some random dude punches you in the face even though you are minding your own business – in the bowling alley bathroom – hiding in a stall – standing on a broken toilet – videotaping the urinal – recording his pee.

I saw a shoe in a woodpile and thought of all the children who would be saved from sweatshops if shoes grew on trees. Although, we’d probably make kids harvest sneakers from shoetrees and that might be even more dangerous. So, kids, count your blessings, your pennies and the stitches on your swooshes.

Levels of sickness are dependent upon the number of pajama pants. Wearing one pair is feeling kind of sluggish, two pairs is feeling seriously under the weather and three pairs is bleeding snot-turds out of your friend’s eyeballs.

Some might say that pooping with the door open is the pinnacle of a comfortable relationship. I say it’s the catalyst for a serious chat about the function of doors.

This morning, I woke up at 6am and went for a walk. It was so quiet and peaceful outside that I needed to go home and sleep off the beauty.

Any product that boasts being real must have a less satisfying, fake counterpart. Like real cheese, real fruit and real boobs. I bet terrorists eat imitation fruit fondue off of breast implants inside a doll house with phony wood-paneling. Those evil bastards.

If a person from the past suddenly came to modern times, most people would show them airplanes or cellphones. Not me. I’d take them to the bathroom, wave my hand in front of a paper towel dispenser, and make paper towels magically appear. That old timey person would probably think I was a witch and try to set me on fire but I’d wrap him up like a mummy with magic paper towels and run away laughing hysterically.