Vacation Time For A Gentleman

Greetings, comrades.

I’d first like to take this opportunity to apologize to one Julius Bloop for my lack of commitment these past weeks. Fear not! This post will be an accumulation of that time in my life.

The Doolittle Shopping Center has decided to host an incredible amount of gimmick-laden events, including Walk For Life, which I can only assume was planned in order to get an astonishing amount of octogenarians out of their gated communities on the outskirts of town, load them up in a coach bus, and unleash them and their snail-like pace onto the “respectable” “people” that usually patronize our mall.

Needless to say, after enduring weeks of events like this – I had to get out. So, I decided to take a vacation… and what a vacation it turned out to be.

After a month of packing, and constructing a device in which Mindaugus could feed himself whenever he felt the stinging pains of an empty ferret-stomach, I was confident that this vacation would do wonders for my intense cerebrum.

I was sorely mistaken…

I missed my flight because of a tardy cab driver and my flawed logic led me to believe that Boise, Idaho is a popular holiday destination. As it turns out, the next flight wouldn’t be departing for another 4 hours.

So, I grabbed my copy of “Malaysian Politics and YOU”, meandered over to the Airport Café for a treat, and hunkered down near my gate. I felt as though this was a well-deserved vacation from all of this vacation-related stress in my day.

Not 15 minutes after I finished my Mocha Latte and Cinnamon Pecan Strudel, I felt a most unholy rumbling in my stomach.

As it turns out, the barista at the Café was celebrating her final day on the job by employing a series of unsanitary methods of doling out snacks. My Cinnamon Pecan Strudel was given to me after this young “lady” had….just relieved herself.

So, after ingesting a fair amount of this neanderthal’s bodily fluids, I was stricken to the hospital for thirteen days with a series of wonderful ailments. I felt like a prisoner. I felt like Charles de Gaulle as he was captured at Verdun in 1916.

I had no access to the World Wide Web during my medical incarceration, so you can imagine my dismay when I returned home to find my Inbox inundated by Mr. Bloop asking of my whereabouts. After a thorough explanation, I was given the opportunity to tell you, my faithful readers – my story.

For those of you wondering of my dear ferret friend, Mindaugus, he remained vigilant throughout. After years of being my number two he was more than equipped to undertake the duties of the house.

The bills were paid, the mail was retrieved, his droppings were collected, sorted and ready for composting, and most important of all, he had prepared my favorite meal of Vegetable Couscous upon my return.

A true friend…