Uninformed Reviews: Videogames – March 2008
March comes in like a lion and out like a sheep. This month features a few titles that are King of the Jungle as well as a couple sleep-inducing games that’ll have you counting sheep.
Fortunately, these lions of gaming are crapping wool.
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Fraternal blood is shed as the Baldwin brothers, Wayans and four of the Jackson five (sorry, no Michael) square off in this familial fighter. Console exclusive characters like Peyton and Eli Manning as well as my favorite, the Marx Brothers, make this is a winner regardless of which system you own. Protip – Use Harpo’s Horn to counter Tito’s Afro Attack.
Score – 9.1
God of War: Chains of Olympus
Theology aside, it was inevitable that a cell-shaded first-person-shooter starring Jesus would hit the shelves but who knew it’d be so crucifixalicious!? Dear Rockstar, holy water acid-blood was a brilliant touch.
Score – 9.3
Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
It’s odd that Konami would publish a lawyer game based on the death of Apollo Creed from Rocky IV. What’s next? A courtroom game set in Phoenix about the first flight of the Wright Brothers called Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney? It’s almost too absurd to imagine.
Score – 7.4
Army of Two
Where was Army of One? Someone tell those stuffed shirts at Ubi Soft that a sequel only makes sense if there is a predecessor. And the graphics suck.
Score – 3.7
Patapon
Plapadon, Pootapoo! I hate this game.
Score – 0.01
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
While on sabbatical from University, Professor Layton stumbles upon a very curious village. Can you prepare an intellectually stimulating syllabus amidst such curious villagers? The suicide button is the reason for the Mature rating.
Score – Curious
***Classic Uninformed Review***
Metroid
Metrosexual humanoids need love too and this groundbreaking dating-sim for the Atari 2600 stands the test of time. Don’t be fooled by the spacesuit, fellas, you never know if that bounty hunter is just another boy or a gorgeous intergalactic blonde bombshell!
Score – 10.11
