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June is like the Christmas of the summer and this year is rocking off my summer holiday socks.
The world will be immersed in videogames because the sun is too hot and no one wants to have sex – so lets get gaming!
Metal Gear Solid 4
Tick, tock, tick, tock – all four solid-metal gears of Dracula’s clock are deadly in this haunting new survival horror from the producers of Silent Hill: the movie. Milla Jovovich’s voice acting is superb and her full-frontal nudity makes this the first ever AO-rated game.
Score – !!!
Wii Fit
The long-awaited sequel to Pikmin II is here and it’s guaranteed to scramble your noodle. How many wii creatures can securely hide in a can of sardines? If you fit all three hundred, you unlock a hilarious cinema scene featuring a donkey and talking bonsai tree.
Score – 9.73lbs
The Incredible Hulk
The videogame based on the movie based the other movie that was based on the comic book is as terrible as the action figure based on the original TV show.
Score – SMASH
Ninja Gaiden II
Hello, 1991! The NES has been re-released on the Xbox 260 and this game is the cornerstone of the launch. I still can’t beat the dragon boss but hey, Shinobi’s boobs look awesome in HD.
Score – 9.6
Civilization Revolution
What would the world be like if Hitler won World War II? Nintendo wants you to know! The customizable mustache feature is the most detailed since the Atari 2600’s Magnum PI game.
Score – 7.8
Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness
By the time I finished reading the title I was married and pregnant with my third child. And I’m a man. This game is magic.
Score – 8.4
***Classic Uninformed Review***
Donkey Kong
In 1965, President Eisenhower commissioned Japan’s best and brightest to develop a machine to fight communism. The result was a yellow dot, stuck in a maze with ghosts and other dots. They called it “Ronkey Rong” which is Japanese for Donkey Kong.
Score – 10.9327
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8 Comments
Excellent job, sir. You nailed it this time.
My favorite is probably MGS4, if only for the score. Also Wii Fit. That one has a great balance of ignorance and mixed-up facts.
okay do you mind if I email that to the penny arcade guys? it’s amazing. And they are the type to appreciate good humor – perhaps you’d get two more readers?
i don’t mind at all – do you know them or something? i’d be surprised if they actually read this.
I don’t know them personally or anything. But they’re pretty good at checking emails and such.
Ah, okay cool.
Well, it’ll be exciting if they reply.
the penny arcade game is getting incredible reviews. i played the demo and it was pretty fun; not $20 fun but fun all the same. the problem with downloadable games is that unlike a physical game, they never really get marked down in price. think of gamestop’s used games and how they always get marked down over time. there is no wear-and-tear in a downloadable game. so i don’t think i’ll ever get to experience their game.
mgs4 and ng2 are of course, godlike.
everything else looks like shit.
take that for (un)informed.
well, they had to make the game good after lambasting and ribbing the entire industry for years.
i think it’s actually really cool that they made a game.
its great that they got to do it. not only have they ribbed on the industry for years, theyve done alot for charity which is highly respectable.
since its a dwnldable game and is the first part of many, at some point, they might release a physical copy of all the adventures.
then i would buy it.