The healing power of June cinema beckons. My wife left me, my kids routinely poison my cereal and the dog has lost interest in licking my face.

I even smothered myself in honey and all I got was a weird rash. Luckily, no one can see my grotesquely blemished epidermis and battered pride in the back of the theater.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I grew up loving Indiana Jones but I was disappointed with this fifth installment of the quadrilogy. Schwarzenegger is getting a bit long in the tooth, short in the muscles and medium in the unintelligible rambling.
Thumb Score = T1000

The Incredible Hulk

Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on the movies, brother? This grossly self-indulgent biopic caused Hulk Hogan to split from his wife of 38 years and it’s the Walk The Line of 2008. Dwayne Johnson’s portrayal of The Rock is so good it’s like they made a wax figure of him and somehow brought that wax figure to life using magic. Movie magic!
Thumb Score = B-

Kung Fu Panda

The followup to the 2007 comedy masterpiece, Waiting, pits Harold and Kumar in a Chinese restaurant that seems normal except for one thing – a rival Asian restaurant stole their panda mascot named Mai Bawls! “Don’t eat Mai Bawls” is destined to be the catchphrase of the summer.
Thumb Score = Mai Bawls

Get Smart

The creators of Hooked on Phonics and Mega Reading Masters finally made a movie about learning. And guess what? It’s r-e-t-a-r-d-e-d.
Thumb Score = FFFF

The Love Guru

Julia Roberts and Richard Gere team up once again for what’s sure to be the romantic comedy of the month. Roberts and Gere or “Rere” as I refer to them, pay homage to Pretty Woman by copying the classic film frame by frame with an updated wardrobe. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and, honey, this is about as “ain’t broke” as they don’t not come!
Thumb Score = A+

The Happening

Yo, what’s happening? The movie I saw last night. What’s it called? The Happening. What’s happening? The movie I saw last night! What movie? The Happening! I know but what’s it called? THE HAPPENING! THE MOVIE IS CALLED “THE HAPPENING”. Oh, okay. So…what happens?
Thumb Score = F

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

Don’t tell me what to do, Dr. Phil. The last time I listened to you, my wife divorced me and she took the couch. My couch. Now I sit on a series of crushed cardboard boxes that are crudely strewn together with duct tape, gum and hairballs. I think I might just poke that Zohan right in his Zohan-y face just to spite you and your fat red beard.
Thumb Score = D-

***Classic Uninformed Review***

E.T.

The two little letters that started an adult film revolution. Francis Ford Coppola set out to tear down gender roles and liberate the world’s sexuality – and he did it all with a young Marilyn Chambers, an old Rock Hudson and two little letters meaning…‘Elephant Tits.’
Thumb Score = A++-+