Toilet Bed Hits Market with WoW Reviews

Whales are too big. I don’t like anything bigger than my penis. This short list includes whales and some dinosaurs. I have trouble walking.

The ultimate barometer to measure your lack of accomplishment for the day is when you go to lock the front door before bed and it’s still locked from last night. Maybe I’ll go outside next week?

German people speak in caps lock. HOW IS YOUR DAY, GUSTAVE? FINE, THANK YOU, HELGA.

I think I’m going to start dating Make A Wish patients. They get their wish and I get mine. But I’d probably ruin it by criticizing their wish. Why would you date me? You could shoot hoops with Shaq or dance with Madonna! Man, you suck at making wishes – are you gonna finish your lunch? Probably not. I will.

I swear to God it’s like every three months it’s, “time to clean the bathroom again!”

Counting your money in meals is the way to go when you live paycheck to paycheck. If I work eight hours today I can buy two days worth of groceries or a week’s worth of McDonald’s Dollar Menu. Unfortunately the latter choice has hidden fees including toilet paper and antacid. The hidden fee of a double quarter pounder is a quadruple bypass surgery.

Text messaging genitals would be ideal. Bypass the person altogether and just make plans with their sexy parts. “Dear Jenny’s boobs, when can I touch you?” “Flph glph flph glphf!” Boobs are bad at texting but I’m pretty sure “flph” means “now” and “glph” means “hurry”.

Sometimes a great idea turns out retarded. Recently, I was waiting in the emergency room, observing all the various drama and thought, “Man, this would make a great TV Show.” Then, I realized one of the most popular dramas of all time is ER and it has been on the air for approximately one billion years. Dammit.