"Tire On Asian Grandma" – Hottest New Carnival Attraction

It’s weird how guarded we speak when not amongst friends. Recently, I overheard a couple discussing how traffic was the worst thing in the world and I really wanted to say, “Yeah, traffic’s bad but I’m pretty sure getting butt-raped by your Uncle Clown Face is worse.” Instead I said, “Yeah, traffic sucks!”

Why do co-workers insist on wanting to hang out after work? We just hung out for eight hours! What’re you? My wife? If I wanted a wife – I’d pretend to like stuff.

I see girls all the time that I’d love to date but I figure they’re better off with a guy that embraces the crushing defeat of reality and likes rock-climbing or something equally stupid.

Sweet tattoo, bro! What is that? A pumpkin?

A buddy recently likened drinking a beer after work to getting ice cream after a little league game. I think Alcoholics Anonymous should put this at the top of their list for signs of alcoholism.

I wanna start doing kegel exercises – not so that I last longer in bed – so that my penis can headbang.

Having a one-night stand was something I had a really hard time with. Well, technically a really soft time.

There’s no way that Hitler’s bones are missing. Somebody knows exactly where they are and they’re just hiding them so no one digs them up to shoot them again. Or so nobody eats them and turns into some kind of radioactive zombie Hitler with the strength of one thousand blitzkriegs and a million tiny mustaches.

I want to write a pro-Nazi book called “A Million Tiny Mustaches”.

Draino doesn’t unclog drains. The only thing that goes smoothly down the pipes with Draino is five bucks.

How hard is it to reply to an email? I get so frustrated when people don’t respond that I swear I’d be satisfied if they just wrote back, “Thx 4 da emale, yer a fagit lol”. At least that’d be something.