The Ultimate Warrior was made out of 100% muscles and tassles.

When it’s time to explain the fragility of life to your child – explain to him that even Cap’N Crunch eventually gets soggy. And if he still doesn’t understand – put the padded helmet back on his head and tighten his ropes. It’s going to be a long, hard life for little Rocko.

If food were a book – I’d have a distended malnourishment belly and my face would be covered in flies.

Denny’s now has a specific club for customers who frequently eat there between 12am and 5am. It’s called the 3D – the Denny’s Drunk Diners club. Anyone wasted enough to blow over a .01 BAL into the pancake-shaped Breathalyzer gets a free Moons Over My Hammy!

I bought some natural deodorant because using the regular kind could result in Alzheimer’s disease. Unfortunately it doesn’t work very well so I’m going to smell bad for the rest of my life. But, hey – at least I’ll remember it.

Where are the racist magic tricks?

Everyone is so damn attracted to Mermaids but where’s the hole? If you’re going to be sexually attracted to something there should at least be the possibility of burying your boner. I just don’t see that with those scaly-tailed mermaids.

Where does the Mermaid appeal lie? Sharp shell bras leave merbreasts mangled and misshapen. Perhaps Mermaids cushion their shell bras with seaweed but that means when you finally hook up with one and hold your breath long enough to un-clasp her shell bra you’re confronted with salty seaweed titties.

Women are smart enough not to bother with dickless Mermen.

Stereotypes are re-enforced everyday. Today I saw two senior citizens at Walgreens buying ten bags of dried fruit. And behind me in line was a black guy buying a giant penis.

Everyone loves listening to music while they’re doing work whether it’s jazz, rock or hip hop. The most effective motivational music is German electronic legends Kraftwerk. That music is like smoking crack with your ears. Five minutes of listening to Kraftwerk will change Eeyore from getting fat with Pooh to the Fraggle Rock Doozers building their see-through stick highway.

Those who paint themselves into a corner should first determine why they were painting the floor in the first place.