The TV Writer’s Strike has led to the firing of the crew from ABC’s Snazzle Hats.
Human ingenuity can transform everyday items into remarkable, multifaceted objects. For instance, a hobo in downtown Portland discovered that a broken umbrella can become a magical cloaking device that conceals the act of smoking crack from passersby.
I almost slipped and fell in the shower today and it was terrifying. No wonder old people smell so bad – nobody wants to die wet and naked. Interestingly enough, the opposite applies to fish.
A four pack of Guinness is more expensive than a fifth of Courvoisier. I’m just throwing that out there, alcoholics.
A friend asked me, “Why don’t you move to Los Angeles – there are celebrities everywhere!” I replied, “Well, I’m not friends with anyone famous so I’d be left to gawk at them like a child at the Zoo.” Unfortunately, my rebuttal lost its impact when I looked outside at the Ringtailed Lemurs and realized we were arguing inside my apartment at the Zoo.
Does anyone else hear voices in their head while they’re trying to fall asleep – or is that just us?
Today I made the analogy that my bedroom is so small it’s like living in an elephant’s ass. Normally an elephant’s ass would be used to describe very large things but not if you have to live in the goddamn thing.
The absolute most unequivocally awesome thing in the world is going to a familiar bar, falling ass backwards into a conversation with a beautiful girl and then, an hour into your fairy tale discussion about kung fu and Akira Kurosawa films, her lighting a Virgina Slim and introducing you to her 6’2” douche-nozzle boyfriend. At that point she might as well rip off her mask, reveal herself as your 7th grade science teacher and rape your head with every stranger’s dick in the bar.
Earlier today I saw a frog and it landed on a stick I was holding. I proceeded to fling him into the river. It was my happiest moment in recent memory.
It’s really hard to avoid stooping to low brow comedy and just writing blowjob jokes all day. But does it make me look more legitimate if I ignore the burning desire to write an editorial about a guy begging his girlfriend to suck his dick despite the fact that she’s sick with the flu? Do I win points for resisting the urge to explain in several paragraphs how the guy is willing to slather his balls with Vick’s VapoRub to ease her sore throat during the process?
