The Tale Of Old Rumpsford

Every now and then, my friend GM, tells me to write a brief story based on something simple. This story was based upon the name “Old Rumpsford.” Enjoy.

Nary a stranger in Man Village would balk at the chance to speak of Old Rumpsford. The slyest fella to wear a newspaper hat since Really Old Farnsworth. And although some tales were tall and others even taller – one normal-sized tale remains of Old Rumpsford…

The Tale of Greystone Nickle Penny.

It wasn’t easy getting work in Man Village – most of the tasks were completed by the women, oddly enough. But Greystone Nickle Penny was the location of a job too daring for most folk – even Old Snaky Pete – the whistle salesmen.

Down on his luck and with two bent corners on his newspaper hat, Old Rumpsford decided to hike up his rubber pants and wade in the Greystone Nickle Penny wishing well. What happened next would change the underwear of all of Man Town.

No one knew there were talking fish in the Greystone Nickle Penny wishing well – just like no one knew those same fish wore razor-sharp dentures. Old Rumpford found out soon enough – or should I say – his legs did.

“Somethin’ be chompin’ at me legs!” Old Rumpsford cried to the villagers. But his wacky yelps fell on deaf ears – literally – the whole population of Man Town was hard of hearing.

Thinking quick, on what remained of his feet, Old Rumpford snatched a stockpile of Poligrip denture adhesive from the fish house at the far end of the wishing well.

“Our tooth glue!” the talking fish blubbed in unison.

With the leg-thirsty fish distracted, Old Rumpsford saw his chance at immortality. He sloshed clumsily through the shallow water toward a mountain of coins in the belly of the wishing well. He removed his signature newspaper hat and began filling it with nickles and pennies.

Unfortunately, the water from the wet coins quickly soaked through the newspaper and the coins spilled back into the well. By this time, the fish had gone to the store and bought a fresh stockpile of poligrip. No one is sure how they accomplished this – but it totally happened.

Anyway, Old Rumspford frantically tried to hold his over-saturated newspaper hat together and gather the coins but it was too late. The pointy dentures of the talking fish from Greystone Nickle Penny wishing well had sunk their false teeth into Old Rumpsford. He fell to his watery grave that day and the newspaper hat dissolved amongst the coins and poligrip.

To this day, the hearing-impaired townspeople of Man Town still speak of Old Rumpsford. Unfortunately, they can’t hear each other. So no one really knows the true story. But somewhere out there – a New Rumpsford is on the way. Because Old Rumpsford had sex with one of the fish.

THE END.