The Sad Reality of Fraggles and Humans

Today I saw a poodle in someone’s car and for a split second I convinced myself it was a Fraggle.

Briefly I dreamt of a life where Fraggles and humans could co-exist peacefully – with Uncle Traveling Matt acting as ambassador between the two alien cultures.

However, these dreams degraded like a banana peel on top of Madame Trash Heap as I began imagining the horrors of Fraggle-only water fountains, Doozer slavery and the inevitable Muppet objectification resulting from a multibillion dollar Fraggle/Human (Fruman) porno industry.

Quality entertainment and language will take a turn for the worse as words like “Muppetfucker” and “Faggle” become commonplace in hip hop lyrics despite being difficult to rhyme. Music videos vixens who once made a living figuratively shaking their tails will be replaced by scandily clad Fraggle hoes who literally shake theirs.

The gay marriage debate amongst Humans will take a back seat to the relentless struggle for Fruman couples to attain legal recognition for their forbidden extraterrestrial courtships. Face it, a lot of Human midgets are going to want to engage in relationships with Fraggles.

Religious leaders will point to Fruman babies as a sign of the apocalypse and the Catholic Church will not only change its stance on abortion but the Pope himself will terminate an unholy Fruman conception with his golden scepter from atop his balcony at the Vatican. Millions of devout anti-Fraggle followers watch in jubilation as they wave banners bearing the “Go home, Frags!” slogan of hate.

Fraggle reservations will eventually become the only safe bastion for survivors and historic museums displaying Fraggle pottery and crude arrow heads will represent the sad remnants of a furry cultural heritage essentially wiped off the face of Fraggle Rock. Greedy politicians are cutting state funding to Fraggle Casinos as we speak!

At this point I need to take a step back from this morbid prognostication and admit that Fraggles simply do not exist. However, if they do suddenly emerge from just below the Earth’s surface and attempt to forge an alliance with mankind…humans will assuredly pummel a beautiful relationship in record time.

So stay down there my pom pom-haired friends and remain in hiding. Remember to steer clear of the Gorgs and watch out for Sprocket – that sheepdog wants to eat all of your colorful little asses. Afterall, he is man’s best friend.

And that’s the sad reality of Fraggles and Humans.