Miserable Traveler Can't Wait To Visit The Next Stupid Country

Where is my luggage? The flight’s delayed…again? Well, hurry up so I can get to my next horrible destination.

Why did I come to Paris anyway? The people are indignant; the architecture is only impressive in postcard-form and the whole place reaks of rolled cigarettes and infidelity. I can’t wait to travel someplace equally terrible.

Last year I burnt some frequent flyer miles on a trip to New Zealand after reading in an old Entertainment Weekly I found lying around the urologist’s office that Lord of the Rings was filmed there. Boy, was that country beautiful. Beautifully boring. Staring at herds of sheep should be treatment for insomnia.

Traveling is great except I hate every single area on the world map. The last time I was in Africa was a complete disaster. Nature shows would have you believe that going on safari is a life-altering adventure but it’s more like ten hours of riding in an uncomfortable jeep with hygienically challenged tour guides just to catch a glimpse of a dumbass elephant. Don’t get me wrong, elephants are cool – but I’ve been to the goddamn zoo.

Trekking the globe is my passion but I hate visiting all the crap along the way. You’d think some culture would’ve done something cool in the history of human civilization but you’d be wrong. Nevertheless, I sail the seas like Magellan from Timbuktu to Tahiti.

I love expeditions but I hate monuments, landmarks, tourist traps, landscapes, scenery and the cultural traditions of any and every place I go. The seven world wonders are more like blunders. The Colosseum is ghetto, Stonehenge is a pile of rocks and the Great Wall of China is great if you’re some kind of retarded wall aficionados.

Through thick and thin I am determined to visit every awful place on God’s green Earth.

Ultimately, I wish I had more time to discover new places to hate and perhaps re-visit some old shitty ones. Until then, I’m going to keep the dream alive that one day I can travel into outer space and have a terrible experience upon every star, planet and galaxy in the stupid universe.