Talking Machines Going Fast – Get Yours A Hundred Years Ago

Paranoia can often be misplaced. Lately, I haven’t been scanning my rewards card at the supermarket because I think the government is monitoring my spending habits. The CIA is gonna know I love Mountain Dew!

When bachelor life gets a bit mundane it’s important to spice things up. The other night I washed the dishes with sunglasses on and it totally kicked ass – until I woke up the next day and the dishes were dirty.

I learn a lot about different cultures from watching TV – for example, Asian women love reporting the news and Asian men don’t exist.

When you go to heaven and you see your grandparents are they still old or are they young? I figure I might have sex with my hot young grandma and that’s no heaven I want to spend eternity. Or is it?

My new way to find out if a girl is single or not is to ask her, “So what’re you doing tomorrow – hiking with your stupid boyfriend?” I’ll find out if she’s single and all I have to do from there is dig myself out of the douchebag ditch I dug.

It’s been reported that Ed McMahon is over $700,000 in debt – but there’s good news, he just received a letter from Publisher’s Clearing House and he might be a winner!

Sometimes you need a bag for your bags. Sometimes you need a box for your boxes. Sometime you need a hat for your hats but only if you’re some kind of two-hatted, looney asshole.

Too bad fat people aren’t actually ball-shaped because rolling them around would be so much fun.

Here’s an example of when I drunkenly write down a joke and discover it in the morning – “I really want to get a tattoo of a monkey biting a dog where the dog says ‘Doggone it!’ and the monkey says, “That’s monkey business for ya!” I have no idea what that means.