Welcome to the Uniformed Review’s holiday videogame blowout extravaganza blowout!

November is the best month for gamers and this year has a plethora of A-list titles to keep you occupied all winter.

A weak showing from Nintendo but a strong one for fans of first-person-shooters.

So, fire up those Xbox 360s, Playstation 3s and Atari 2600s because the economic crisis might just make this the last great holiday haul before we all go back to playing kick the can.

Word of Warcraft: Wrath Of The Lich King

Red Bull? Check. Doritos? Check. Diaper? Check. Okay, I’m ready for the new WoW expansion. I heard that the first human turd to reach level 80 stood in the same dungeon for 27 hours straight while some other human turd periodically healed him. USA! USA! USA!
Score = Change Your Underwear

Gears of War 2

My friend and I had a game we called “gears and beers” which consisted of playing Gears of War and drinking beer. I realize that it’s not the most original activity but it rhymes better than Call of Duty and beers. Either way, this game is probably awesome.
Score = Beers

Left 4 Dead

Zombies? I’m sold. It’s amazing how simply introducing zombies makes a game highly anticipated. I wonder if you swapped Hannah Montana for a zombie if people would play that game. Actually, a Hannah Montana zombie videogame is a brilliant idea, are you listening, Valve? How about you, Billy Ray?
Score = Undead Tween

Mirror’s Edge

From the animators of eSurance commercials and the makers of Mylanta comes the most colorful, nauseating game since Yoshi’s Island.
Score = esurance

Sonic Unleashed

Hey, SEGA, Sonic has gotten pretty stale so how about introducing a gameplay aspect that’s totally xtreme and madd wicked awesome? Oh, a werewolf? That’s perfect. Also, can the game literally punch me in the balls while I play it? Thanks.
Score = xtreme skateboard guitar

Tomb Raider: Underworld

Angelina Jolie is back, er, Lara Croft, is back. Ah god, who cares? This series was never very good to begin with and they’re still cranking out these games like the Army Men series all over again. In fact, I guarantee the Army Men games would still be around if they had boobs. Army Trannies. I’d play that.
Score = Boobs

Fallout 3

Fall out all over again for the first time. The most popular sky-dive simulator of all time has gone multi-platform and is selling like hot cakes. Videogame-flavored hot cakes. Pass the syrup, please. I have no idea what this game is about.
Score = Hot cakes

Resistance 2

Aw, look, Sony is trying to have an exclusive franchise. How cute! It has such fluffy graphics, a shiny soundtrack and gameplay you just want to curl up with and never let go. Just make sure to get it spayed or neutured. We don’t want another Crash Bandicoot on our hands.
Score = Bob Barker

Valkyria Chronicles

The first awesome Japanese RPG of the next generation has arrived and it’s making grown men cry. It’s also making their girlfriends cry but for different reasons entirely.
Score = Bachelor

Call Of Duty: World At War

The world is at war. Isn’t that a world war? No, no, world at war sounds better. It’s new, it’s hot, it’s a world at war. Won’t people realize that it’s a dumb name? Of course not, just give them guns and they’ll be happy. Guns? Yeah, guns to shoot stuff. Ooooh, guns to shoot stuff! Best game ever.
Score = Guns to shoot stuff

Wow, April! You were so awesome that I didn’t write about your games. Well, don’t worry, weirdos. I’m going back to the future like that Corey Feldman movie and writing reviews anyway!

Grand Theft Auto IV

After three grueling months in development, Bungie Studios has finally released the long awaited final chapter in this popular racing franchise. It’s four times grander, four times theftier and four times more auto-y.
Score – 10.9

Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII

Notoriously arrogant producer Richard Garriott decided to skip one through six and go straight to number seven and boy does it live up to the hype! Similar to strange niche titles like Stretch Panic and Katamari Damacy, Crisis Core ups the bizarreness ante by letting the player control a radioactive booger that needs to soak in a bathtub of milk in order to get a date for prom. Finally a game about this!
Score – $%$()

Okami

Strange name. Dumb game. Who’s to blame? IGN!
ProTip: Pronounce the ‘N’ like you’re from the south and it’ll rhyme better.
Score – 4.6

Mario Kart Wii

The wii version of this food-shopping simulator from Sim’s Creator Will Wright blows away the PS3 and Xbox 360 installments. They’ve added more aisles, more meat and an amazingly detailed create-your-own seafood department. Using the wiimote to control the shopping karts is just like real life…just don’t pick the kart with that one darned broken wheel! lol.
Score – 8.6

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Darkness

The most secretive and mystifying game to creep out of the shadows of cryptic intrigue since Milon’s Secret Castle. Can you catch ‘em all? Can you even see any of them? The game is so mysterious that the disc is invisible!
Score – It’s a mystery

High School Musical 2: Work It Out

Can you masturbate faster than your best friend while backstage during a no-budget rendition of Our Town? Well, apparently I can.
Score – 7.1

***Classic Uninformed Review***

The Legend of Zelda

Originally designed as a Chuck E. Cheese exclusive arcade game, Atari brought this trackball-controlled space shooter home in 1985 and it’s been at the top of the video game world ever since. The classic Konami code still works to give the Zelda spaceship infinite fuel!
Score – 10.9901