juliusbloop.com » videogames http://juliusbloop.com Comedy for Weirdos Thu, 05 Jan 2012 02:15:46 +0000 en hourly 1 Uninformed Reviews – Videogames: August 2008 http://juliusbloop.com/uninformed-reviews-videogames-august-2008/ http://juliusbloop.com/uninformed-reviews-videogames-august-2008/#comments Mon, 18 Aug 2008 07:00:12 +0000 julius bloop http://juliusbloop.com/?p=253 Steven Madden looks to sell a ton of shoes this season.

The August sun is hotter than Hell which only means that the August videogames are hotter than Hell Hell!

Madden NFL 09

They keep cranking a new edition of this game year after year and I fail to see much improvement. I know that Steven Madden is the biggest name in the National Footwear League but this franchise needs to be taken out back and buried in a box. A shoebox.
Score = Shoes

Braid

French it, twist it and tighten up those cornrows in this Hannah Montana braid simulator for the Nintendo DS. Using the stylus can be difficult when you’re talking to boys, doing your nails and texting your girls all at the same time but the soundtrack from the Jonas Brothers more than makes up for it.
Score = OMG LOL

Bionic Commando Rearmed

I was incredibly upset when the bionic commando lost his arms at the end of the first game – so imagine my elation when Blizzard Studios announced they…rearmed him! The box art is laughingly poor but any chance us gamers get to take out the evil Dr. Wily is a welcome one.
Score = 9.999

Strong Bad: Episode One

More like Weak Bad – Episode Dumb. The controls stink, the graphics stink and the disc literally smells like rotten dumpster meat. I like the online comic strip that it’s based on but someone needs to tell those fellas to stick to making fun of videogames and stop trying to make them.
Score = 0.01

SIREN: Blood Curse

Simon Belmot is whipping his way back to Dracula’s Transylvanian Castle. Capcom has ditched the Metroid-style gameplay for something totally new. Think Rygar meets Super Dodgeball meets Sim Ant and you’re halfway there.
Score = 5.5

Geometry Wars 2

You’d think that a fighting game starring mathematical shapes would be boring. You’d think it’d sucked balls for breakfast. You’d be wrong. Isosceles Triangle’s uneven side attack is cool but look out for the totally lopsided moves of Rhombus!
Score = 3.14159265358979323846…

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Sonic The Hedgehog

Patience is a virtue in this turn-based strategy classic that brought dwarves and wizards from twenty-sided die to your TV screen. The graphics are outdated and new gamers might hate the sluggish pace but all you hogwart fans should count your Sonic blessings because there’d be no Harry The Potter without Sonic The Hedgehog!
Score = 100.5

~bloop

]]> http://juliusbloop.com/uninformed-reviews-videogames-august-2008/feed/ 0 Uninformed Reviews – Videogames: April 2008 http://juliusbloop.com/uninformed-reviews-videogames-april-2008/ http://juliusbloop.com/uninformed-reviews-videogames-april-2008/#comments Tue, 06 May 2008 12:26:05 +0000 julius bloop http://juliusbloop.com/?p=174 Grand Theft Auto IV is finally here and racier than ever.

Wow, April! You were so awesome that I didn’t write about your games. Well, don’t worry, weirdos. I’m going back to the future like that Corey Feldman movie and writing reviews anyway!

Grand Theft Auto IV

After three grueling months in development, Bungie Studios has finally released the long awaited final chapter in this popular racing franchise. It’s four times grander, four times theftier and four times more auto-y.
Score – 10.9

Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII

Notoriously arrogant producer Richard Garriott decided to skip one through six and go straight to number seven and boy does it live up to the hype! Similar to strange niche titles like Stretch Panic and Katamari Damacy, Crisis Core ups the bizarreness ante by letting the player control a radioactive booger that needs to soak in a bathtub of milk in order to get a date for prom. Finally a game about this!
Score – $%$()

Okami

Strange name. Dumb game. Who’s to blame? IGN!
ProTip: Pronounce the ‘N’ like you’re from the south and it’ll rhyme better.
Score – 4.6

Mario Kart Wii

The wii version of this food-shopping simulator from Sim’s Creator Will Wright blows away the PS3 and Xbox 360 installments. They’ve added more aisles, more meat and an amazingly detailed create-your-own seafood department. Using the wiimote to control the shopping karts is just like real life…just don’t pick the kart with that one darned broken wheel! lol.
Score – 8.6

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Darkness

The most secretive and mystifying game to creep out of the shadows of cryptic intrigue since Milon’s Secret Castle. Can you catch ‘em all? Can you even see any of them? The game is so mysterious that the disc is invisible!
Score – It’s a mystery

High School Musical 2: Work It Out

Can you masturbate faster than your best friend while backstage during a no-budget rendition of Our Town? Well, apparently I can.
Score – 7.1

***Classic Uninformed Review***

The Legend of Zelda

Originally designed as a Chuck E. Cheese exclusive arcade game, Atari brought this trackball-controlled space shooter home in 1985 and it’s been at the top of the video game world ever since. The classic Konami code still works to give the Zelda spaceship infinite fuel!
Score – 10.9901

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