Wow, April! You were so awesome that I didn’t write about your games. Well, don’t worry, weirdos. I’m going back to the future like that Corey Feldman movie and writing reviews anyway!

Grand Theft Auto IV

After three grueling months in development, Bungie Studios has finally released the long awaited final chapter in this popular racing franchise. It’s four times grander, four times theftier and four times more auto-y.
Score – 10.9

Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII

Notoriously arrogant producer Richard Garriott decided to skip one through six and go straight to number seven and boy does it live up to the hype! Similar to strange niche titles like Stretch Panic and Katamari Damacy, Crisis Core ups the bizarreness ante by letting the player control a radioactive booger that needs to soak in a bathtub of milk in order to get a date for prom. Finally a game about this!
Score – $%$()

Okami

Strange name. Dumb game. Who’s to blame? IGN!
ProTip: Pronounce the ‘N’ like you’re from the south and it’ll rhyme better.
Score – 4.6

Mario Kart Wii

The wii version of this food-shopping simulator from Sim’s Creator Will Wright blows away the PS3 and Xbox 360 installments. They’ve added more aisles, more meat and an amazingly detailed create-your-own seafood department. Using the wiimote to control the shopping karts is just like real life…just don’t pick the kart with that one darned broken wheel! lol.
Score – 8.6

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Darkness

The most secretive and mystifying game to creep out of the shadows of cryptic intrigue since Milon’s Secret Castle. Can you catch ‘em all? Can you even see any of them? The game is so mysterious that the disc is invisible!
Score – It’s a mystery

High School Musical 2: Work It Out

Can you masturbate faster than your best friend while backstage during a no-budget rendition of Our Town? Well, apparently I can.
Score – 7.1

***Classic Uninformed Review***

The Legend of Zelda

Originally designed as a Chuck E. Cheese exclusive arcade game, Atari brought this trackball-controlled space shooter home in 1985 and it’s been at the top of the video game world ever since. The classic Konami code still works to give the Zelda spaceship infinite fuel!
Score – 10.9901