We’re on the cusp of winter.

I haven’t had a date in weeks, my credit card application was lost in the mail and there are rats in my ceiling.

It’s times like these that mortal men would call it quits, throw in the towel, and kick the bucket.

But I’m no mortal man. So I’m holding onto the towel, sitting on the bucket and headed to the one place where everyone knows my name.

The movies!

Madagascar 2

Those wacky computer-generated animals have escaped the Zoo again and this sequel has more fart jokes than you can shake a stick at. Unless you have some type of magic stick that makes fart sounds when you shake it. Y’know, a fart stick. Anyway, can I borrow your fart stick?
Thumb Score = Ffffffffffffff

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

This is the kind of series that’s ultra-popular, fills my TV screen and pollutes my ears but I literally know nothing about it. Which only stands to prove that I don’t have children and I’m not a pedophile. You hear that, children in my basement? Stop screaming or you get the hose again!
Thumb Score = Quiet, Billy

Soul Men

Do you remember that movie with John Belushi and Dan Akyroyd? And they were brothers? And they played the blues and it was awesome? Yeah, Soul Men is exactly like that movie except without all the good stuff, awesome things or blues.
Thumb Score = C+

Zack And Miri Make A Porno

I went to see this movie like I do all pornos. Drunk, lonely and wearing no pants. However, I could barely get an erection with all the hipsters laughing the whole time. I assume they thought the movie was funny but part of me thinks they were laughing at my exposed genitalia.
Thumb Score = Embarrassed

Saw V

Finally, the fifth installment in this annual horror dumpster has plodded its way into my fat, goth, disappointing life.
Thumb Score = Eye Liner and Ice Cream

Role Models

Isn’t McLovin in this movie? I’m pretty sure this is the movie with McLovin. Oh, that McLovin. Remember when he did that funny thing in the other movie? The one where he played McLovin? Oh and Stifler too! Man, this movie has to be awesome. I wonder if Urkel is in it too? I bet it has Urkel.
Thumb Score = A+

***Classic Uninformed Review***

First Blood

The film that put Sylvester Stallone on the map as an action hero and made Rambo a household name. When I was 8-years-old I had a foam muscle shirt and went as Rambo for Halloween. Now, I have no muscles, no machine gun and no machismo. But sometimes I wear a headband! I guess that’s more girly than manly. Ugh…
Thumb Score = Muscles!

As summer draws to a close and the sweater-wearing weather of Autumn approaches, there’s only one more shot to get great air conditioning and even greater entertainment – at the movies!

This year’s September film haul is even better than three Septembers ago when we were treated to the most memorable movies of September in the illustrious history of September cinema.

Is the Pineapple Express bound to de-rail?

Is Bangkok really that dangerous?

Find out, right now, in this month’s Uninformed Movie Reviews!

Pineapple Express

All aboard! This computer-animated film starring exotic fruit and a talking train is Sony’s answer to Madagascar 2. The surly kiwi, voiced by Rosie O’Donnell, really steals the screen with lines like “My skin might be fuzzy but my memory is sharp as a tack!” Tom Hank’s pineapple voice-acting is dead-on to the pineapples that talk to me in my basement.
Thumb Score = A+

Tropic Thunder

Craaash, the clamor of lightning echoes throughout the Congo as Keanu Reeves risks life and limb to end the reign of the evil Dr. Weather. Is the jungle real? Is the weather real? Is Keanu Reeves real? Unfortunately, yes.
Thumb Score = C+

Bangkok Dangerous

Movie Dumpster. Who put Jon Lovitz in an action movie? Why does a movie about Bangkok take place on the moon? Why did my wife of thirteen years leave me? This film answers none of these questions.
Thumb Score = F

College

I think this film’s title is a typo because it’s actually a low budget how-to film on making collages. Rachael Ray is pleasant enough but I was really expecting a zany comedy romp about the hi-jinks of some unsuspecting college freshmen. But despite the confusion, I got a nice mother’s day gift out of the deal.
Thumb Score = Practical

Death Race

A chilling documentary following the hate crimes of a small group of white supremacists, this film makes American History X look like Reading Rainbow, which isn’t even a movie, that’s how powerful it is. Also, we find out what Edward Furlong has been up to all these years…
Thumb Score = B+

The House Bunny

Half house, half bunny, all action! This little known franchise from Dark Horse comics makes its big screen debut with Sigourney Weaver as a mild mannered businesswoman who is bitten by a radioactive bunny after watching her billionaire parents get murdered. Heath Ledger is a shoe-in for the Oscar with his striking portrayal of the evil villain, the Car Wolf.
Thumb Score = A-

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Blade Runner

Wesley Snipes’ hallmark vampire film has inspired countless clones since its historic release in 1982 but none capture its haunting cinematography and groundbreaking claymation. Although the special effects may look a bit dated, especially in the bloody laundromat scene, the hyper-speed shots of Blade running still send a chill down our collective spines.
Thumb Score = A+++

The healing power of June cinema beckons. My wife left me, my kids routinely poison my cereal and the dog has lost interest in licking my face.

I even smothered myself in honey and all I got was a weird rash. Luckily, no one can see my grotesquely blemished epidermis and battered pride in the back of the theater.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I grew up loving Indiana Jones but I was disappointed with this fifth installment of the quadrilogy. Schwarzenegger is getting a bit long in the tooth, short in the muscles and medium in the unintelligible rambling.
Thumb Score = T1000

The Incredible Hulk

Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on the movies, brother? This grossly self-indulgent biopic caused Hulk Hogan to split from his wife of 38 years and it’s the Walk The Line of 2008. Dwayne Johnson’s portrayal of The Rock is so good it’s like they made a wax figure of him and somehow brought that wax figure to life using magic. Movie magic!
Thumb Score = B-

Kung Fu Panda

The followup to the 2007 comedy masterpiece, Waiting, pits Harold and Kumar in a Chinese restaurant that seems normal except for one thing – a rival Asian restaurant stole their panda mascot named Mai Bawls! “Don’t eat Mai Bawls” is destined to be the catchphrase of the summer.
Thumb Score = Mai Bawls

Get Smart

The creators of Hooked on Phonics and Mega Reading Masters finally made a movie about learning. And guess what? It’s r-e-t-a-r-d-e-d.
Thumb Score = FFFF

The Love Guru

Julia Roberts and Richard Gere team up once again for what’s sure to be the romantic comedy of the month. Roberts and Gere or “Rere” as I refer to them, pay homage to Pretty Woman by copying the classic film frame by frame with an updated wardrobe. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and, honey, this is about as “ain’t broke” as they don’t not come!
Thumb Score = A+

The Happening

Yo, what’s happening? The movie I saw last night. What’s it called? The Happening. What’s happening? The movie I saw last night! What movie? The Happening! I know but what’s it called? THE HAPPENING! THE MOVIE IS CALLED “THE HAPPENING”. Oh, okay. So…what happens?
Thumb Score = F

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

Don’t tell me what to do, Dr. Phil. The last time I listened to you, my wife divorced me and she took the couch. My couch. Now I sit on a series of crushed cardboard boxes that are crudely strewn together with duct tape, gum and hairballs. I think I might just poke that Zohan right in his Zohan-y face just to spite you and your fat red beard.
Thumb Score = D-

***Classic Uninformed Review***

E.T.

The two little letters that started an adult film revolution. Francis Ford Coppola set out to tear down gender roles and liberate the world’s sexuality – and he did it all with a young Marilyn Chambers, an old Rock Hudson and two little letters meaning…‘Elephant Tits.’
Thumb Score = A++-+