Surfin’ Grandma Canes Her Way Into Semi-Finals

It’s impossible to choose a career when you’re a kid. My best friend swore he’d grow up to be a marine biologist but he ended up a gay dude.

I think ending an important essay with the words, “…and that’s alls I knows about thems dinosaurs,” is a great way to ensure people remember your work. At the mental hospital.

Squirrels think they’re so high and mighty running along power lines when we have a perfectly good ground. Those acorn-eating bastards wouldn’t even have a private wire highway if it weren’t for humans. I’m pretty mad at squirrels.

I clicked an online puzzle today but gave up as soon as I realized there were a bunch of instructions to read. So, I closed the window and solved my own puzzle titled, “Not Thinking.”

Whole Foods should change the name of their cereal aisle to “Mystery Shit Boxes”. So far, I’ve purchased cereals like Plastic Flakes, Worms & Turds, and Giant Bland Balls. I should probably just buy regular cereal but I really have my eyes on Honey Nut Worms & Turds.

“Persuant” is an amazing word that’s only used in terrifying legal documents. I say we take it back and use it for birthday parties or something. “Persuant to me being 26 years old – let’s eat cake and slam whiskey!”

My apartment building has the last name of each tenant labeled on the buzzer outside the front door. Well, for the first two weeks they had the old tenant’s name on mine which was Chun. It was a great running gag to my friends, “I’ll buzz you in – just call me Chun.” Well, they just changed it to Lieber and I’m pretty upset. I miss my life as Chun.