Space Gas on Mars has reached 9 trillion Glorps per Gallon.

Sometimes you make a snap judgment about a person and it sticks throughout your entire relationship. I met a girl named Brie who has no chance of altering my negative opinion of her because I think it’s dumb that she’s named after cheese. This rationale does not apply to Mayor McCheese because that guy overcame all odds by being elected into public office despite having a cheeseburger for a head.

For some people, the saddest sight they’ve seen might be a starving puppy whimpering in a puddle of garbage. But for me it was definitely that fat family eating jumbo Slim Jims at Wal-Mart.

The toilet should have its own room separate from showers and vanities. This proposed “toilet room” would have a comfortable throne, a faucet to wash your hands, and that’s it. I’m sick of brushing my teeth with turd air.

Candy bars are the #1 cause of liposuction in America.

It’s amazing how eating certain foods can cause introspective thought to occur. For instance, eating a donut can trigger contemplation on one’s physique and lead to dieting. Also, a banana can make a man jealous of fellas who don’t have to bite off half of the thing to create an accurate representation of their erect “manana”.

Pet names and euphemisms are a common way for people to refer to taboo subjects like their own genitalia. My special area is like a bed of roses that I retreat to when no one is around. That’s why I call my vagina, “the secret garden”.

It’s hard to relate to people who have the motivation to accomplish stupid tasks. A chubby lady next to me at the movie theater was all excited to eat her enormous soft pretzel when she realized the snack bar forgot to include a cup of melted dipping cheese. Personally, just finding the motivation to get up and search for a bathroom is difficult enough – yet this woman had the iron will to force the moviegoers in our row to stand up and let her loose on a nacho cheese re-con mission. As a result, she got her kiddie cup of chemical cheese to dunk her radioactive pretzel in and I got to listen to her digestive system scream for mercy like an orphan at the bottom of a well.

I bought a book on Tai Chi so I have something new not to read.

Will someone please write a funny skit about a courteous rapist? Herbert Chesterworth III is a gentlemanly chap who apologizes while biting off his victim’s panties and always remembers to tip the brim of his top hot during each violent sexual jolt. “Me lady, might I trouble thee for a handkerchief to wipe thy blood spatter off this antique monocle?” It writes itself, folks.