Sexy Turkeys Stare Hornily At Reflections

Have you ever wanted some lettuce – so you buy a head of lettuce but then you realize it’s impossible to eat an entire head of lettuce by yourself so what the hell are you going to do with all this goddamn lettuce?

What am I? Some kind of insane bunny rabbit that eats so much lettuce that the other bunny rabbits glare at me from a distance and say, “Do you see how much lettuce that douchebag eats? It’s disgusting.”

One time I had a hemorrhoid and I debated for over month whether or not I should take a picture of my asshole to see how bad it looked. But, I couldn’t get past the idea of having to squat with a digital camera pointed up my ass and then later, sit at the computer, waiting for my asshole picture to upload. Anything involving assholes is terrible, sorry gays.

As a result of his recent retirement, Brett Favre has surpassed Chuck Hogan of Wadsworth, Ohio as the greatest armchair quarterback of all time.

The UPS store has everything you could possibly ever need. You can box, tape, staple, write and ship your package via USPS or UPS. I was actually about to ask the ugly girl behind the counter for an in-store blowjob but I didn’t want to push my luck. I’ll definitely save that for next time.

Can I get teeth insurance on this blowjob? Thanks.

When it comes to eating breakfast, nothing says, “fuck my life” more than a microwaved bowl of leftover spaghetti.

The best thing about bringing home an exotic indoor plant is welcoming all the strange foreign insects that’ll be living inside your ears and anus in no time!

Dipping is always a good thing. Skinny-dipping, dipping finger foods and genitalia, Dippin’ Dots. Okay, maybe not Dippin’ Dots but I’m within my right to disqualify those stupid frozen dessert balls from this dipping discussion for dropping the ‘g’.

Sometime I wish I were a bird but I bet I’d complain about having to flap my stupid wings all the time just to get anywhere and ultimately wish I were a fish.

But then while I was swimming around in the ocean as a fish, I’d see the sun and be jealous of creatures that get to bask in its heavenly light and wish I were a duck.

However, If I were a duck I would bite the shit out of some human kid’s stupid face and an angry adult would club me to death.

Man, being an animal is tough.