Scotch and Cigars: The Lecherous Grandpa Diet Since 1494

Next time you’re cutting up those plastic loops that hold together a six-pack of cans make sure you say, “There you go, ducks. Saved you again.” Then, later that evening when you’re at a fancy restaurant eating roasted duck slathered in duck sauce you can say, “Ha Ha – fooled ya, Daffy!”

I’m cynical enough with a full head of hair – I can’t imagine being bald. Every tragedy in life would be compounded by my baldness. I stubbed my toe…and I’m bald. My wife is leaving me…and I’m bald. I won a free hairbrush…and I’m bald.

Certain foods warrant immediate toothbrush action to remove unrelenting aftertaste – Nacho Cheese Doritos, Honey Nut Cheerios and Bloody Dirt Sandwiches.

“No shirt, no shoes, no service” is a prejudice sign preventing vagabond entry into business establishments. Just because a hobo lost his Snoopy t-shirt and Velcro sneakers while wrestling aliens inside a muffin doesn’t mean he should be denied a fifty cent hot dog. It is hobophobic.

Baby Alzheimer’s is a big problem these days. That’s when retarded poor people forget not to have a baby, right?

One of the most disturbing images I can imagine is an enormous fat woman holding me down, stuffing a titty down my throat and forcing me to choke down her spoiled breast milk until her flabby jugs are dry. Yeah, that or a full time job.

Brand and Mikey are the only Goonies still representing the crew in Hollywood. Mr and Mrs. Walsh raised them well – with a little help from sweet Rosalita.

The clearest indicator that being in a couple is sacrificing some of your individuality is when you replace your myspace/facebook profile picture with a photo of you and your significant other hugging, having fun or something equally stupid. The clearest indicator that someone needs a significant other is when they complain about this.

Everyone benefits when a man holds a door for a woman. The woman gets to cling onto the fading illusion that there are gentlemen in this world and the man gets an unobstructed view of her hot ass.