Santa's Village Adds Therapy Hut

Do you ever get out of the shower and feel clean as the day you were born? Except for all the blood, birthing fluids and gun powder. Well, I still condition my hair with gunpowder once a week but you know what I mean.

I’m going to start ending every sentence with, “This is the word of our Lord” and see how long before someone gets offended. My guess? Twice in normal circumstances and once if I’m hanging with my Priest friends. My Priesties.

You know you live in a city of lazy people when your mailman says good morning at 1pm. Also, he’s on a segway. And wearing a diaper. Y’know? I’m not sure he’s the mailman.

You can’t spell dysfunctional without fun. And you can’t spell pterodactyl without spellcheck.

I cannot imagine a situation where you would need to rent a lamp from Rent-A-Center. Unless, you’re dating the daughter of a lamp mogul and you just moved into your new lampless apartment and you have no money to purchase lamps – but that’s fucking it!

Whenever someone tells me they haven’t been online in a while I’m completely baffled as to how they spent that time. Seriously, what do they do before work? And all night after work? And think about while at work?

If you’re dating your bed, the only way to take it out to eat is if you have breakfast in bed. Which could get confusing if you want to cook breakfast for it the next morning. Basically, you’re eating a lot of breakfast when you’re dating a bed.