Revisionist History – The Biography of Rosie O’Donnell

*Revisionist History is an ignorant, irreverent and often grossly inaccurate look at the past. Enjoy!*

Bloated and gay.

It’s been a long, hard road to stardom for the surly comedian from Huntington, New York. The only daughter of Don and Doris O’Donnell, young Roseanne was prone to sneaking out of the house to perform stand up comedy at local dive bars like the Yuck Yuck Shack and Timmy’s Waterin’ Hole.

Despite her parent’s pleas to stay in school, Rosie dropped out in 1977 to pursue her passion for flapping that big mouth.

After ten years on the road and a disgusting co-starring role as a leather-clad exhibitionist in Exit to Eden, Rosie landed a gig hosting a daytime talk show on ABC. The Rosie O’Donnell Show debuted in March 1994 without fanfare.

However, a diabolical deal with Koosh Balls and a thousand cutie patootie identifications later…Rosie was on top of the world. She even had her own magazine which everyone agreed sucked.

In the Autumn of 1999, Rosie ripped off her “queen of nice” mask to reveal a butch lesbian behemoth hiding beneath the candy-coated surface. After an hour of speaking in tongues and spitting on people, ABC was forced to cancel The Rosie O’Donnell Show and banish her to the Internet.

Kiss me Miss
Kiss this Kiss
I wish to Kiss
Sweet Swiss Miss

Ms. O’Donnell passed the time during her Internet captivity by writing terrible poetry like “Kiss me Miss” on her blog. She also had a ton of gay sex with attractive women and adopted some kids. Finally, Barbara Walters posted her bail and gave her a home replacing Meredith Viera as host of ABC’s The View.

A short-lived love affair turned sour when O’Donnell went off on a negative rant stereotyping Chinese people as, “Ching chong terrorists that caused the conflict in Iraq.” Everyone in the world was really mad and Rosie was fired…again.

Rosie O’Donnell now spends her time yelling at Donald Trump while eating beaver and pudding on Long Island.

The End.