Rainbow Man and Lollipop Lady Get Colorful Divorce

I want my headstone to say, “Here lies Kevin – he didn’t understand anything.” People will think I’m trying to be cool or philosophical until they realize my casket is full of jellybeans. Then, they’ll get it.

I was walking to work at dusk when I glanced at a street lamp and it immediately illuminated. It was such perfect timing I felt like I magically turned on the lamp like Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Also, I was wearing a Melissa Joan Hart mask.

These new black shoes seemed sexy but I never thought I’d get action so quickly. I was sitting on a curb today and a tiny black bug kept crawling on my shoes no matter how many times I flicked it off. Yeah, my shoes get allllllll the insect love. Insex.

A blob of jelly fell out of my sandwich and landed on my pants today. Strangely, I was much more upset about the loss of jelly than I was the stain. This is the first sign of being a fatty.

You know how you stay on Facebook all night waiting for an old friend to instant message you but they never do so you eat a pint of Americone Dream and sadly sing TLC songs in your head until you fall asleep in your computer chair? Where my girls at?

When I lost my baby ears, I tried to trick the Ear Fairy. I hid a baby ear underneath my bed instead of the designated pillow location and the Ear Fairy totally fell for it! Unfortunately, I forgot it was there until one day, I was looking for a puzzle piece and found the ear rotten and discolored. Anyway, I tried to call the Ear Fairy and apologize but she just didn’t want to hear it…

If life were a videogame, puberty would be a sidequest, the dentist would be a miniboss and dating would be an instant game over with no continues.