Rainbow Man and Lollipop Lady Get Colorful Divorce

I want my headstone to say, “Here lies Kevin – he didn’t understand anything.” People will think I’m trying to be cool or philosophical until they realize my casket is full of jellybeans. Then, they’ll get it.

I was walking to work at dusk when I glanced at a street lamp and it immediately illuminated. It was such perfect timing I felt like I magically turned on the lamp like Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Also, I was wearing a Melissa Joan Hart mask.

If life were a videogame, puberty would be a sidequest, the dentist would be a miniboss and dating would be an instant game over with no continues.

A blob of jelly fell out of my sandwich and landed on my pants today. Strangely, I was much more upset about the loss of jelly than I was the stain. This is the first sign of being a fatty.

These new black shoes seemed sexy but I never thought I’d get action so quickly. I was sitting on a curb today and a tiny black bug kept crawling on my shoes no matter how many times I flicked it off. Yeah, my shoes get allllllll the insect love. Insex.

You know how you stay on Facebook all night waiting for an old friend to instant message you but they never do so you eat a pint of Americone Dream and sadly sing TLC songs in your head until you fall asleep in your computer chair? Where my girls at?

When I lost my baby ears, I tried to trick the Ear Fairy. I hid a baby ear underneath my bed instead of the designated pillow location and the Ear Fairy totally fell for it! Unfortunately, I forgot it was there until one day, I was looking for a puzzle piece and found the ear rotten and discolored. Anyway, I tried to call the Ear Fairy and apologize but she just didn’t want to hear it…