Puppet Porn Outsells Human Porn On The Streets of Sesame

A change of clothing can alter your outlook on life. The transition from pajama pants to jeans is equivalent to giving a dirty hobo a hot shower or giving an old virgin a huge pile of sex.

Sunday is national time travel day.

Weird Al Yankovic and Tenacious D are decent but the best musical comedy act of all time is Limp Bizkit. Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water is the funniest album title to reference a butthole and a toilet bowl full of turds since Elton John’s 1975 classic Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.

When I misplace something – my first assumption is that someone stole it. Like my car, my wallet or my desire to accomplish anything. My unemployment is all your fault, imaginary thief!

Dear, everyone. Finish your goddamn beers. There are thirsty alcoholics in Africa that’d love to suckle at the sweet booze-y teat of your unfinished pints of pale ale. Even if you puke it back up, don’t worry. There are no Africans that want to imbibe your Budweiser barf.

It’s hard to get motivated for volunteer work or to donate to charity. That’s why I only purchase products that give a percentage of their proceeds to something like breast cancer research. Because “Eat Spaghetti for Boobs” is a charity I can get behind.

Remembering one’s childhood becomes increasingly difficult with each passing year. That’s why it’s easier to base your memories around specific items like peanut butter. I remember when my grandpa would leave chunks of chips in the jar of peanut butter and it would make me sad. Luckily, I don’t remember anything about Uncle Chip leaving chunks of sadness in my peanut butter jar.

The child drinks milk. The teenager drinks soda pop. The adult drinks alcohol. The recovering alcoholic drinks soda pop. The senior citizen drinks milk. At our most fragile we take care of ourselves and at our most invincible we destroy ourselves. The circle of life is dumpster.

Do you ever wake up completely surprised to be alive? Like, “Oooh yeah, I remember life!” I hope that I’m not the only one that does that. Oh well, I’m pretty sure TV is on.