Prozac Babies Losing Interest In Peek-A-Boo

Someday I’m going to be a great grandfather. Not an old dude whose grandkids have children. I mean a grandfather who is totally great. Maybe not “great” but at least pretty awesome. Dammit, I don’t think I’m explaining this very well.

Throwing away food that you never even opened because you were all, “I’m never going to eat this stupid Hamburger Helper” is more American than sitting in an apple pie, wearing the flag like a cape and singing the National Anthem on the 4th of July.

Writing comedy while happy is like cooking ham on Thanksgiving.

Most people need to go outside to entertain themselves but if they could see the Ewok riding the rainbow roller coaster in my head, they wouldn’t get out of bed either!

Slip-on shoes shave seconds off unnecessary lace time everyday and that shit adds up. I’m gonna live an extra thirty years thanks to a combination of slip-on shoes, lack of showering and Ponce De Leon’s secret map!

The English language steals from other languages all the time! Like, when three people have sex, it’s a French word – menage a trois. Why not make up our own word like… “splunkerleedoo!” Yeah, bro, last night I had a splunkerleedoo with your wife and her best friend. Okay, that’s not very sexy but you know what I mean.

I’m going to create a website called MyFace that is a combination of Myspace and Facebook. Only, instead of being a social networking site, it will just be a picture of my face covered in cake. I’m gonna be so rich!