Prettiest Girl Of All Time Is A Boy

A good way to learn how shallow you are as a man is if you find yourself watching Giada’s show on Food Network for her cleavage but skip past Rachel Ray for her lack of it. The lesson is – cooking with boobs is better than cooking with no boobs.

If the moon were really made out of cheese then aliens would be sooo fat. But they’re not. They’re sexy as hell.

I love it when complete strangers tell you that you looked depressed. Just because I’m crying at the bus stop with a diaper full of poopy pants doesn’t mean I’m sad about it.

While getting dressed – I once put my socks on before my underwear and it instantly made me feel like a serial killer. Then I put a white t-shirt on and felt like a child molester. Then I put on an oversized foam cowboy hat and felt like myself again.

Some day I’m going to be a great grandfather. I mean, a really good one, not a “great grandfather”. I can’t imagine living long enough to deal with my stupid grandchildren’s ugly kids. Shoot me in the face, I’m ninety for some reason!

I bet rocking horses had a large impact on the development of young furries.

I’m obsessed with trying new energy drinks despite the fact that they all taste like satan’s piss. And not a healthy, hydrated piss. A “I’ve been up all night with Saddam blowing coke off of Manson’s balls” kind of piss.