Perpetual Thought Machine – Healthy Cigarettes Banned From Seedy Joints

Puberty is an awkward time for everyone but it was downright traumatizing for me. It wasn’t so much the hair in strange places but the shock of my first poop.

I often wonder where colloquialisms like, “Whoomp there it is!” and, “Dead as a dogbot!” come from. Oh, that’s right, the soldiers outside my window.

Have you tried new Frosted Soylent Green cereal? It’s better than the Berry Berry flavor but still can’t compete with Coco because once you finish the cereal you’re left with an entire bowl of chocolate-y breast milk.

Ever since Crows won the Great Bird War all they do is fly around acting like their bird poop don’t stink. Well, enjoy being the only feathered creatures in the sky but don’t forget who nuked the canaries at the Battle of the Beaks!

My seventh cousin collects antique air cars and, man, are they stupid. When I saw the one with the push-button ignition I nearly lost my genetically altered mind. Our idiotic ancestors had to touch so much crap it’s no wonder those primates had so many fingers.

My nutjob co-worker got so obsessed with proving that the Science Masters have a time machine that he stopped showing up for work. Also, his phone is disconnected. Oh, and his house has been replaced by a giant, smoldering crater.

Recently, an escaped child from the surface ran up to me, tears streaking down his dirty face, begging for insight regarding humanity’s place on the planet. I knelt down beside him and said, “Slave boy, there are two kinds of people in this world – Humans and Flargons; everything else is just a blend of polymerized plastic.” He ran away screaming something about guards and impending doom but I know deep down I taught him a valuable lesson.

Playstation 23 has way better graphics than Xbox 7,200º – you can barely even see Cloud’s nose hairs in the Xbox port of Final Fantasy VII.

Sometimes I wish we could return to simpler times. I camped outside Wal-Mart Land for two weeks to get the new Applesoft Brain-Phone and it literally short-circuited as soon as I walked through the metal detector in my bathroom!