Old Coot Prepared To Beat The Shit Out Of Everyone

Why doesn’t shampoo have a protective seal over it like food? Criminals might poison my bottle of Suave and send me to an early grave. Just because most people don’t eat shampoo doesn’t mean that some of us don’t need a drop or two for some added tongue volume and shine!

I want to start being more pretentious so I’m going to judge things based solely on their “intellectual value”. That painting has no intellectual value, this song has no intellectual value; your stupid, turd face has no intellectual value.

Birds and humans just can’t get their act together. I’ll be politely observing a pretty bird while waiting for the bus and just as it gets close enough for me to pet, it flies away and lands on top of some giant building I can’t possible reach. What the fuck, birds?

Today I saw a hobo doing laps up and down the sidewalk. He was probably just trying to find the ghost that stole his huckleberries but I like to think he was training for the Hobo Games.

Brushing your teeth with a gross-tasting toothbrush is an exercise in futility. Just accept the crappy taste in your mouth or do what I do and buy a toothbrush toothbrush.

Trimming your hair in the mirror is really hard. No matter how many times you’ve done it, you inevitably wave the scissors around like a fool, praying you don’t cut off an ear. If I trimmed my pubes in the mirror I surely would have chopped off several of my penises by now.

If the past form of stink is stunk then is the past form of blink…blunk?

It’s impossible to know in a new relationship when you can comfortably make a joke about having sex with someone’s mother. I found out from a couple of co-workers recently that we just aren’t there yet. Or maybe it was just the fact that I likened a deflated basketball to the state of my testicles after ejaculating on their mom’s faces. Next time, I start out slower.