Nickelodeon's Kocain Kids Karnival Is Kancelled

We all need to re-consider our snap judgments of certain types of people. For instance, perhaps crackheads need the undeniable energy of crack rock because they are really ambitious.

A meat thermometer is still the most accurate way to test the hotness of a piece of meat. After insertion, measure the time it takes for your meat thermometer to pop. This will determine the hotness of said meat. If you jam it in and wiggle it around until the meat is sloppy and undesirable and your meat thermometer fails to pop, immediately toss that meat in the garbage and get yourself a fresh piece. Remember, if your meat thermometer refuses to cooperate by remaining too soft for proper meat penetration, consider re-calibrating your penis. Uhh…meat thermometer.

Mike’s Hard Lemonade is an alcoholic drink for young pussies. Viagra is an energy pill for old dicks.

A fear of dentists is common but can be cured altogether if one avoids visiting a dentist’s office. It’s not like a spider phobia where you’re suddenly horrified to find one in your bathtub. Unless, of course, you’re friends with a dentist that unexpectedly breaks into your apartment and uses your tub – in which case you should stop being friends with that person regardless of their terrifying profession.

It’s amazing how badly my feet hurt after working an eight-hour shift. It doesn’t even have to be hard labor – my feet hurt after eight hours of sitting behind a desk and answering the phone. I think there’s something horribly wrong with my feet.

Last night I had a dream where I was back in high school and everything was normal…goofing off in the hallways, waiting in the lunch line – and then the military suddenly showed up and nuclear bombs started going off. We all had to drop to the floor and cover our heads as blast after blast sent radioactive shockwaves over our high school heads. What is that dream supposed to me? Oh well, commercials tell me that the new Swiffer is the best one yet!

If science fiction is correct and we eventually supplant the ingestion of food with pills then what will happen to restaurants, Thanksgivings and first dates? Hell, we probably won’t even need napkins anymore. Okay, fine, so no one will miss napkins. But still!