Nap Gold Medalists Still Nappin’

Children with backpacks are going to school. Adults with backpacks are going to hike. Old people with backpacks are going to need back surgery.

If I was a trapeze artist I would wear a rubber penis on my forehead. That dong would flop around magnificently as I flip through the circus air. Sure, I’ll get fired and banished from Barnum and Baileys when I return to the ground but the children in the big tent that lazy afternoon will never forget Cockflop The Flying Trapeze Artist.

Bread should not have seeds. I want a sandwich – not bird food. Birds don’t eat sandwiches and if they did – I’m sure they’d be made out of bugs. Bird diets are the worst!

I figure that negative toothbrushing involves slathering your teeth with chocolate syrup and rubbing it around with one of those sugar sticks you get with Fun Dip. Or just eating a package of Fun Dip.

Raisinettes should pour all their advertising money into commercials featuring a trio of claymation Motown singers that sing songs about eating themselves. It might be cannabilistic and infringe on some California Raisins copyrights but what the hell? You’re a raisin covered in chocolate.

Sometimes I write rap songs in my head but have no idea how to implement them. Like the other day I kept rapping to myself “I got a girlfriend now so I wear this sweater/Drinkin’ pineapple juice so my jizz tastes better” Man, I should sell that to Snoop Dogg or at least Soulja Boy.