My Pants Are Like Fed Ex – Full Of Package

Tibetan lamas spend hours on elaborate mandala paintings only to destroy them upon completion. Spiders weave incredible webs only to have them destroyed by my terrified face. Spider are monks and I assume they know Kung Fu.

Some tan lines can be awesome. Like, the old man I saw with distinct sock lines the other day. That guy can party.

Nobody wins when you mistake a stranger for a friend from a distance. Recently, I thought I saw my friend Mark but it was actually a fat old lady. I can’t even share this funny story with Mark because he’d be pissed. It’s lose lose!

You don’t have to be elderly to have a senior moment. Yesterday, I stepped into the shower wearing my glasses and didn’t realize it until the rainy windshield on my eyeballs freaked me out.

Some annoying things turn out to be awesome in hindsight. Like, the kid outside my window who woke me up by singing along to Eye Of the Tiger. At the time, I wanted to commit murder but now I kind of want to hang out with him.

45 minutes is crazy because one 45 minutes is almost an hour but two 45 minutes is only an hour and a half. Then, three 45 minutes is barely over two hours but FOUR 45 minutes is exactly three hours. I need to lay down.

I often start making food and then leave the room only to completely forget about my food. If I had a dollar for every cold toasted waffle I’ve eaten, I’d hire someone to feed me warm toasted waffles.