We’re on the cusp of winter.

I haven’t had a date in weeks, my credit card application was lost in the mail and there are rats in my ceiling.

It’s times like these that mortal men would call it quits, throw in the towel, and kick the bucket.

But I’m no mortal man. So I’m holding onto the towel, sitting on the bucket and headed to the one place where everyone knows my name.

The movies!

Madagascar 2

Those wacky computer-generated animals have escaped the Zoo again and this sequel has more fart jokes than you can shake a stick at. Unless you have some type of magic stick that makes fart sounds when you shake it. Y’know, a fart stick. Anyway, can I borrow your fart stick?
Thumb Score = Ffffffffffffff

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

This is the kind of series that’s ultra-popular, fills my TV screen and pollutes my ears but I literally know nothing about it. Which only stands to prove that I don’t have children and I’m not a pedophile. You hear that, children in my basement? Stop screaming or you get the hose again!
Thumb Score = Quiet, Billy

Soul Men

Do you remember that movie with John Belushi and Dan Akyroyd? And they were brothers? And they played the blues and it was awesome? Yeah, Soul Men is exactly like that movie except without all the good stuff, awesome things or blues.
Thumb Score = C+

Zack And Miri Make A Porno

I went to see this movie like I do all pornos. Drunk, lonely and wearing no pants. However, I could barely get an erection with all the hipsters laughing the whole time. I assume they thought the movie was funny but part of me thinks they were laughing at my exposed genitalia.
Thumb Score = Embarrassed

Saw V

Finally, the fifth installment in this annual horror dumpster has plodded its way into my fat, goth, disappointing life.
Thumb Score = Eye Liner and Ice Cream

Role Models

Isn’t McLovin in this movie? I’m pretty sure this is the movie with McLovin. Oh, that McLovin. Remember when he did that funny thing in the other movie? The one where he played McLovin? Oh and Stifler too! Man, this movie has to be awesome. I wonder if Urkel is in it too? I bet it has Urkel.
Thumb Score = A+

***Classic Uninformed Review***

First Blood

The film that put Sylvester Stallone on the map as an action hero and made Rambo a household name. When I was 8-years-old I had a foam muscle shirt and went as Rambo for Halloween. Now, I have no muscles, no machine gun and no machismo. But sometimes I wear a headband! I guess that’s more girly than manly. Ugh…
Thumb Score = Muscles!