Mario Kids Trade Mushrooms For Pumpkins

There are annoying construction workers outside my house that I would love to bribe to leave but all I have in my fridge is jelly. The jar is so small that it’d leave them bloodthirsty. Jelly thirsty.

I recently told a friend I paid $500 for a couch and he scoffed despite the fact that he just spent $500 on his dog. I think I prevail in these circumstances unless the couch craps my floor while I’m at work. In which case, that puppy is going right back to the couch shelter. Ikea Pound.

Everyone thinks energy drinks are a new phenomenon but people have always had them. Coffee has been around for centuries and in the 80′s people drank cocaine.

Why wear one monocle when you can wear two? Because those are called glasses and you should stop telling me what to do, Monopoly Man.

I feel unattached from 90% of what people enjoy. While most people worry about getting laid and having mistake babies – I’m at home contemplating the existence of hand soap and hemorrhoids.

People date at work because everyone is on an even playing field. You can’t refuse to date someone based on his or her job because you have the same job. A garbage man would be stupid to turn down a date with a garbage lady because, hey, garbage sex!

There’s a bumper sticker that states, “I’m already against the next war” and I can’t imagine that. What if dick-snatching aliens from Planet Cocksmash invade Earth and World War Penis breaks out? Will you really be against THAT war, hippie?