Kramer Stabbington Leaves For Murder Camp

Some complain we live in an overly-cautious society but it’s a good thing new hotels have sprinkler systems in the bathroom or I never would have put out that toilet fire.

Bad things are funny in sandwich form. Turd sandwich, Racist sandwich, Hitler sandwich.

The Hitler sandwich is brussel sprouts and motor oil inside two slices of baby.

People with tumors have the ultimate excuse. Sorry I forgot your birthday, y’know…tumor. Sorry I forgot my tumor-removal appointment, y’know…tumor.

If mustache rides are five cents how much for a beard ride? Does it depend on the length or cut of the beard? How much for a Lincoln? I’ll give you twenty bucks for a ZZ Top!

So many things are made of wood – I’m surprised there’s no wood food or beverage. You know people have spent their lives trying. “I’ll make a delicious pine tree casserole someday. You’ll see! You all see!”

I literally have no idea what to say to anyone. A typical conversation goes something like this – Person: “Hey, what’s up?” Me: “Good!”

Sometimes a strange observation can invoke your inner child. Recently, I saw a fat kid poking a dead crow with a plastic light saber. I said, “Yeah, get him!” and he looked at me and smiled. Lesson learned – fat kid poking dead animal is heart-warming.

I wish I was a big black guy so I can sleep with white chicks instead of being a little white guy who can sleep with no chicks.

Eskimos waste all their time building igloos and spearing whales when all they need to do to have fun is move the hell out of the tundra. I’d call the Eskimos and explain this to them but I don’t have a phone made of snowballs.