King Clang A Lang And Friends Play Final Concert

People who work in paperclip factories must hate bending things at home.

To Human eyes, ants look like dumb babies walking on the beach like it were a massive desert. To Flargon eyes, airplanes look like retarded birds flying through the sky like it were a huge air pond. It’s all about perspective – that’s why I smash ants with my smashin’ boots.

The first day of body odor is slightly stinky but mostly manly. The second day of B.O. might ruin a business meeting and after the third day you’re lucky to get a date with Pepe Le Pew.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he becomes his father. Most men gain this through fatherhood. Mine came when I made a band-aid out of toilet paper and scotch tape.

Don’t buy a dozen eggs if you just want a hardboiled egg. Don’t buy a head of lettuce if you just want a salad. Don’t buy eggs and lettuce if you want egg salad because those are not the right ingredients.

Airplanes should supply knockout juice to passengers to make each trip seem like time travel. I don’t need peanuts, a blanket or soda – just a roofy, stewardess. Warp drive – ENGAGE!

Some parents are too overprotective. Like, if you make a snowball out of play-doh and throw it at some dirty child’s pumpkin-head how come their lesbian parents always call the police? Cut the cord, ladies.

You know how you dump coffee on your carpet so you have to capture a stray dog and spill its blood to cover up the stain? But then you have to ditch the carcass so you put stamps over its eyeballs and cram it into the nearest mailbox? Eventually, you go home, shave your head and buy a bus ticket but now what? Now what!?