Karate Kid Loves Chips. Paint Chips.

Videogames are becoming so realistic it’s scary. Like, there’s this game called “The Sims” where you have to take showers and pick out furniture. They’ve nailed every detail of my life right down to my pixelated crotch.

Today, I overheard someone say that Republicans don’t have unicorns. Which is true. They don’t. But y’know who else doesn’t? Everyone that has ever lived ever. In the history of ever.

Everyone wants to explore outer space but we should just spend that money on turning into bears. They have it all figured out. Sleep half the year, wake up to eat, and kick everyone’s ass. Bears – the final frontier.

I had a lighter with such an effective child-proof lock that it was adult-proof. Oh, but that shit was not hammer-proof!

That Abbott and Costello film marked the first time I’ve said, “It’s fucking tap dance time!”

Sometimes I finish internal dialogue out-loud and it makes me feel crazy. The other night I got out of bed to put my cellphone on my end-table when I thought to myself, “Why do you need your stupid cellphone next to you while you sleep?” and I replied outloud, “Because I like to know what time it is when I wake up!” Then, I put my helmet back on and rocked myself to sleep.

Whales are too big. I don’t like anything bigger than my penis and that short list includes whales and a couple dinosaurs. I have trouble walking.

Peeing is exactly like sex. Immediately satisfying, involves genitalia and ends with flushing your baby down the toilet.