It's Hot Out There

Greetings, readers.

I’ve come to notice that the climate in Doolittle, MO has become somewhat unstable. I know what you’re thinking, “Lionel, you moderately attractive chap, it’s slightly overcast and 76 degrees outside! What’s so unstable about that?”

You’re absolutely right – this weather is perfect for my mild skin condition. The climate that I’m referring to is the POLITICAL climate.

The upcoming Presidential election has become something of a polarizing phenomenon. Whilst at the Doolittle Shopping Center Sears Customer Service Department, I witnessed the following conversations.

The first took place between two older women, both wearing matching sweatsuits. It went as follows:

Idiot A: So, Lurleana, who do you reckon you’ll be votin’ fer in the upcoming ‘lection?
Idiot B: I can sure as shit tell you who I won’t be votin’ fer, Darlene. I ain’t votin’ fer no negro. I don’t trust ‘em. Not one dang bit. Who wants a President named ‘Brock Orbama’?
Idiot A: I guess yer right. No chance of no terrism with a straight thinkin’ fella like John McCain.
Idiot B: Mmhmm.

If this wasn’t a racist enough way to spend my day at the Doolittle Shopping Center, I was privileged enough to overhear the following.

Moron A: You know he’s a MOO-ZLAM, Verne, right?
Moron B: I heard about it on the Foxnews, Barb. It must be the truth if Sean Hannity said it! He’s a model Amurrican.
Moron A: Mmhmm.

The stupidity wasn’t limited to the right wing on this fateful day, however. Some younger adults were perusing the sweatervests, which I initially thought might make their conversation worth listening to. Turns out, it’s “cool” for someone to look “uncool”. I’ll never understand the youth of this country. It’s almost as confusing as Constitutional Reform in Iraq.

I digress…

Hipster Douche-Bag A: Dude, what do you think of that McCain cat?
Hipster Douche-Bag B: The old fogey? Bro, I’d be afraid that he’d, like, die or something in the oval, or should I say ORAL, office.
Hipster Douche-Bag A: Yeah, you’re right. I think I’m going to vote for Obama. I’m ready for a change. Besides, this TOTALLY hot little indie girl said she’d go out to get some java with me if I voted for him. My mind’s made up!
Hipster Douche-Bag B: Oh, sick bro. McCain’s a fag anyways.
Hipster Douche-Bag A: Mmhmm.

Am I the only one who actually listens to the issues in this backwards town anymore? I was recently asked who I’d be voting for. Would it be McCain or Obama? Neither, I replied. I’ll be casting my vote this November for Boston Tea Party nominee, Charles Jay.

That’s all for this week my friends. Get out there and vote!