I'm Gonna Bone You And The Bird's Gonna Watch

When the chocolate Pop Tart came out, people scoffed, “Dessert for breakfast?!” Now, with flavors like Hot Fudge Sundae and Cookies And Crème, they see Blueberry on the shelf and say, “Gay for breakfast?!”

Recently, I saw an old man with a plastic bag on his foot. I’m sure he was injured or something but I like to think he just bought a new foot.

Birds will be the last creatures on Earth because no matter what disaster occurs, they’ll just fly away. Except penguins, those flightless tuxedos are going down…in style!

If we’re headed for an ice age does that mean polar bears are messengers from the future? “We’ve come back to warn you to bundle up. Now, let’s go eat seals!”

You know how the Emergency Room is always filled with dudes that have their dicks stuck in bowling balls? And you’re related to all of them? And it’s located in your Uncle’s basement?

I like when my shadow is huge and I’m all like, “Yeah, now I can play basketball!” and then a basketball player walks by and is all like, “Yeah, now I’m a building!”

I want to get a bike with a basket on the front and then put a hamster ball in it. That hamster would think he’s flying like some kind of superhero rodent. Eventually, I arrive at the pet cemetery.

If I were Editor In Chief of Chair Magazine, I wouldn’t publish any negative chair-related letters from the general public. Our mission statement is to promote positivity in the turbulent furniture community. But you know that damn Couch Magazine would run mud-slinging campaigns that take advantage of our Lay-Z-Boy attitude. We’ll have the last laugh, though, when we unveil our chair/couch hybrid – the chouch!

During a flight, a baby behind me suddenly stopped crying once we entered a cloud. Thus proving the theory – there’s no crying in clouds.