I am going to kick every single ass on this planet.

I’m going to kick your ass at life.

I’ve seen plenty of people in my forty-three years on this garbage can planet and the one thing they all have in common is this –they’re all goin’ down.

Girls don’t look at me and neither do women. They’re too busy eating chocolate and crying about broken Lee Press On nails. You’re missing out on the real deal, ladies – I’m a lean, mean whoop-ass machine and I’m going to keep on truckin’ like that kitten hanging from the tree branch.

Fuck kittens, though. The only fur ball flea bag cat I had went straight into a burlap sack and took a long ride down the River Styx after it ate the ribbon from my “Lordy Lordy Look Who’s 40” balloon and shit all over my faux bear skin rug.

Speaking of shitting – I’m going to shit on the next person who openly discusses celebrity news as if it’s even remotely pertinent to anything or anyone, anywhere in the past, present, or future of the motherfucking universe.

No one will learn a thing about themselves or each other by chugging piss from the goblet of this “paparazzi culture” phenomenon. You might as well read a book with Fabio on the cover if you want to take a dump on your brain – hey, at least you’re reading. Don’t forget that Princess Di was killed by the paparazzi and that chick kicked tons of European ass.

Man, I am going to kick so much ass – there will be an ass-fetish porno made of my life that will gross a billion dollars.

The first asses on my stomp list are the parents of fat kids. I see these mutant fat shits getting winded on the see saw while they sweat McDonalds grease from their chubby little pores and I just want to hack off their blubber with my authentic Rambo III replica knife.

Parents don’t have to buy cheese doodle-flavored donuts and pizza-covered cheeseburger logs. If your kid cries about eating broccoli just do what my daddy did and smash that fucker with a spiked leather belt or take a modern approach and use a USB cable. I have scars all over my back but I turned out just fine!

Right, Mother?

I’m so pumped about kicking ass that I need to take a break from thinking about it and smoke a huge bowl of chronic.

I own this planet.