Grumpy Comedy Review – He's Just Not That Into You

He’s Just Not That Into You opens with the New Line logo. Wait, NEW LINE? I thought New Line was dead because they keep making shit like He’s Just Not That Into You – a romantic comedy similar to others in the genre in that it forgets the comedy. And the romance.

It stars a bunch of unappealing people – always a good sign in a film about relationships – including that wormy manager from Entourage, “the Mac guy” from the Apple commercials and Scarlett Johansson (unappealing when she’s talking).

As you may expect from the title, it’s all about over-rationalizing, neurotic women – lying to each other and doing their nails. They are totally clingy, borderline psychotic, and then apologize for their behavior.

They sit back and act passive and do nothing but blame everyone around them. They rip up business cards and go after married men then cry to their lispy gay pals at the inevitably disappointing results. It’s a miracle these people ever reached adulthood. Then again you don’t need to see a movie to experience any of this crap.

That said … wow. These are the film roles for women today? Whiny, self-absorbed, deluded, pathetic – it’s fucking insulting. Isn’t there something else for women on screen to aim for besides “RARR HAVE TO GET MARRIED THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY’RE IN LOVE, THEY GET MARRIED OOOUGHH MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK!!!”

What makes these people believe they’re entitled to such wonderful, happy adoration? Oh, right. Insipid, over-marketed movies like this one. And having to listen to Mac Guy, “tell it like it is,” and make out with super models? Yeah, man – sure. I can totally relate to that.

This thing even manages to make Jennifer Connelly and her new mannish jaw unappealing by having her shriek at her husband for being a smoker. Man, you’d think a lifestyle issue like that would be taken care of before marriage, huh? Nah, not in Movie World. Besides, do you really think Scarlett Johansson and Ben Affleck have problems getting dates?

The movie bolsters its tedium by breaking up into Clerks/Frasier-like chapters with title cards: “…if he’s not calling you” or “…if he’s not marrying you,” followed by little unfunny stand-up routines – possibly ripped straight from the dumb book this terrible movie is based on. At one point Jennifer Aniston, that bastion of interest for uninteresting people, says “This is torture.” No fucking shit, lady.

He’s Just Not That Into You is a dishonest sham with nothing witty or illuminating to say. It’s a cheap charade that categorizes and simplifies everyone. Women are clingy, men are mean. There. Everything the movie possibly has to say is out of the way in the first 20 minutes. Then it keeps going…

Forever. The movie doesn’t end. Lines are repeated, scenes blend into the same thing over and over. It’s a mobius strip of inane, annoying chatter – like you’re stuck in a supermarket line behind a coupon-waving old hag for eternity. In fact, I think I’m still watching He’s Just Not That Into You. I’m trapped.

Please. If you’re reading this, send help. Throw me a rope. I can’t stand this hell any longer.

Please. Please.

Kill me.

HIGHLIGHT: Kris Kristofferson says something about a crab’s pancreas. Otherwise? Fuckall.

***Tim Magus is Julius Bloop’s film reviewer. Visit his website – Grump Factory***