Grumpy Comedy Review – Bachelor Party

During a late night, unshaven stupor – I stumbled upon Bachelor Party on TV. It’s a movie from the 80s, has Tom Hanks, seems charming, and most importantly…it was just about to begin. So I tuned in.

And for a while – I was charmed! Young Tom Hanks is a skinny little thing, full of charisma and silliness, never without a clever thing to say and has a gorgeous babe for a fiancee. Her legs, man. HER LEEEEGS. She looks stunning. Since it’s the 80s she looks like Sarah Connor in some scenes, but hey, that’s okay. I like Sarah Connor.

And I like the 80s. Did I say 80s? Because this movie is 80s as hell. Neon pink and electric blue everywhere, girls in stupid outfits, sassy saxophones – it’s awesome. If you’re into that kind of stuff. Which I am. So it worked for me…at first.

If the movie was just Tom Hanks and his babe running through neon alleyways as he chases her with an egg beater (which he does in one scene) then this would be a terrific, cute little comedic gem about love or whatever. Too bad it’s really a shitty Animal House rip-off. Yeah, the title should have been the first clue.

The plot of Bachelor Party revolves around Tom Hanks being deemed an uncouth slob by his girl’s rich dad, even though there’s nothing wrong with him. Dad wants some Aryan jerk with a shit-eating grin to marry her instead, though it’s clear in every scene that the dad and the jerk just wanna go down on each other. If Tom and his bride-to-be have any chemistry, Evil Dad and Aryan Dude are definitely balling one another. Their tennis match – in which Ubermensch orgasmically crushes a tennis ball in his hand – is probably the biggest metaphor for gay longing I’ve seen since Gattaca.

There’s also the actual bachelor party Tom Hanks’ friends want to throw for him, which would kind of prove Hanks is a classless slob if it weren’t for the fact he doesn’t want one – he just wants to appease his shitty friends. Seriously, his friends suck. These guys are fuckin’ tools – a bunch of overacting amateurs without an ounce of appeal. Their idea of a performance is to scream every line, because screaming until your neck chords protrude makes everything hilarious, right?

This is what the flick turns into in its second half. After everything is set up, it all falls apart into one huge montage of people doing stupid things forever. Lots of morons shouting, porn watching, cross-dressing, hooker jokes, more shouting, donkeys, fat chicks, lots more shouting, and goofy shenanigans no one in their right mind could find entertaining.

Once in a while it’ll cut to a moron trying to kill himself with an electric razor. It just keeps going and going. My interest returned only when Hanks or his girl show up, which isn’t often.

Yes, the main character, Tom Hanks, DROPS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH in favor of random fucking unfunny gags. These people had no clue what to do with the rest of the movie. When it does, eventually, cut back to Tom Hanks and away from the funny foreigners and wacky hijinx, he looks bored with his own bachelor party.

Gosh, I can’t blame him.

HIGHLIGHT: Anytime Tom Hanks shows up in the first half. One scene has him and his fiancee in bed and she’s like, “Honey, I can’t sleep.” Hanks says, “I got something for that.” And he grabs a hammer. Hyuk hyuk hyuk.