Government Enacts Elimination of the Bowl Cut: Offers Free Hippo Rides

Someone once told me that eating fast food is incredibly unhealthy for your body. I don’t remember who told me that, though. Oh, that’s right, it was my asshole.

Taco Bell is to me as canned spinach is to Popeye. However, instead of battleships firing cannonballs inside exaggerated biceps, the white flag of surrender waves inside my lower intestines and my consciousness sinks to the bottom of the Nap Sea.

IKEA is an enormous home furnishing outlet where not only can you purchase a cheap bookshelf but you’ll also receive a free life-altering panic attack.

Alcoholics Alert – When your flight attendant offers you coffee during your next plane ride, ask for some Bailey’s Irish Cream. They’re guaranteed to have a miniature bottle secretly stowed within their rickety beverage cart. You’ll soon realize that the only thing better than coffee or booze is coffee and booze.

Do you ever wish you were a lesbian so you could let your waistline go, eliminate your entire wardrobe in favor of an oversized hoodie/cargo pant combination and simultaneously enjoy sports, shopping, Sex and the City and ogling titties? I don’t.

Safe, Sane. Fake, Fade. Mail, Maul. Hobo, Homo.

Sometimes I misidentify things by referring to them by an improper name. Like the time I saw a cat chasing a sprinkler and said “Stupid dog!” or that time I said “What’s up, helicopter!?” to that old lady at the supermarket.

Now sweetie, Mommy needs you to finish all of the vegetables on your plate. There are starving Asians in Africa that would love to eat you.

Ever see a fat couple holding hands and immediately become overwhelmed with the grotesque mental image of the man noodling his partially erect piggly-wiggly prick into the woman’s gaping, bovine, flappy-lipped vagina until they both squirt in disappointment and waste another considerable chunk of their captive existence? No? Anyone?

I’m bored, do you wanna have another baby? Will you shut up? The TV is talkin’ to me.