Untitled from the desk of…

The following was published in Fredonia’s campus newspaper – The Leader in February 2005. 

The next time you buy something you really love you should enjoy it to its fullest extent. Then, you should shit on it. Then, you should buy a new one because you’re an idiot and you shat on your last copy.

I hate when you tell someone about a new movie you liked and they respond by saying that the book was better. Those people should quit bragging about their ability to read books and go back to dorkopolous. Yeah! I’m loud and angry! Grrr!

If I had a time machine I would wait until I knew I was going to die soon before I used it. Then, I’d get all the artillery I could muster and travel to prehistoric times. I’d set up a bunker in the Jurassic Era and defend myself until every bullet, grenade and rocket was used to take out a dinosaur. Eventually I’d be eaten by a Triceratops but not before taking out a T-Rex or two. USA! USA!

I want food that I can snort. It seems like it’d be more efficient than swallowing. I bet you could really taste surf n’ turf while it’s rocketed through your nasal cavity. More butter, please!

Who decided that dogs would be good pets, anyways? Those things just eat, bark and poo the floor. If I had a microwave that ate my food, barked in my face and pooed my floor I would throw that microwave away. I don’t need to put up with that kind of behavior from a kitchen appliance. No way!

Everyone loves the delicious smell of cinnamon. Except people who work in cinnamon factories. They probably HATE the stench of that putrescent cinnamon-y crap.

Starland Vocal Band’s “Afternoon Delight” might be the greatest song ever recorded by man. And by that I mean that I hate it! The only time I’d ever want to hear it again is if it’s played during a murderous crime spree involving the Olson Twins and at least three Muppets. Yes!

Ever see people on campus that look like they’re in 7th grade? Hahahah! Oh man, those people are hilarious!

Once I saw this movie about these teenagers who were mutated turtles that loved to eat pizza and act like ninjas. They also had a talking rat as a master. I think the movie was called “Thelma and Louise.” That movie was so confusing!

I would like to eat every form of animal on the planet at least once – even those duckbill platypuses. I bet those strange little fuckers are delicious!

I wish Danny Devito and Rhea Pearlman would spawn a race of hilarious, unattractive dwarf people. We could call them the Pearlitos! I’d try to become accepted by the Pearlitos but they’d quickly realize I was an imposter and banish me from their mystical society. They’d say “5 foot 7 is too tall to be a Pearlito!” Those damn Pearlitos think they’re so great. I say we launch a crusade against those hilarious, unattractive dwarf heathens! Go to hell, Pearlitos!

I bet if you gave a homeless person a book they’d read it like a million times. Unfortunately, they’d be drunk each time and never fully grasp how that Grinch was able to steal Christmas.

And that’s why I’m sad.