I built a sand castle out of snow. U.S.A.

The following was printed in The Leader in Spring 2006.

I can’t wait to buy the three disc, criterion collection, superbit, collector’s box set DVD of some stupid fucking movie I don’t even like. I need to complete my collection!

The only way to watch Law & Order is if you catch it from the beginning or you’re stuck in a room with a TV and an old person.

I think we’re all tired of the soda vs. pop debate. Listen – those are nicknames for the actual product – soda pop. It’s like one friend calling a guy “Will” and another one calling him “Bill”. It doesn’t matter as long as everyone understands what it is you’re referring to. So let’s get back to more pressing debates like “when does a pregnancy turn into a human” and “what happened to that girl in Aruba? She was American and I like that.”

A vibrating cell phone is a lot like a crying baby. Except you go to jail for putting the baby in “silence mode”.

Everything is cuter when a baby does it. Like laughing or clapping or carrying a dead rat in its mouth. Maybe I’m thinking of puppies.

Buying a horse is really easy these days. You just have to go to a horse store or something. But during ancient times I bet it was a pain in the ass to capture and tame a wild horse. Those things are like gigantic radioactive dogs that talk when you put peanut butter in their gums.

If Jello is really made out of ground-up horse bones then Bill Cosby is a sadistic, pudding-pop-pushing freak.

One time, I thought I had a brilliant analogy on my hands by describing big tractor trailers as “land trains”. I quickly realized, however, that regular trains are “land trains”. So then I thought that perhaps a gigantic plane could be an “air train” or a huge boat could be a “water train”. I soon realized that the entire idea was stupid. True story.

Supermarket bathrooms are the source of all evil.

If I was part of the goldrush of 1849, I probably would’ve quit after two days of not finding gold and opened up a shovel store. I’d charge those bearded losers top coin! I’m a brilliant theoretical entrepreur.

I have no interesting stories from my childhood. I’m like “Sometimes my Dad made egg and cheese sandwiches for breakfast. Yay, those were awesome breakfasts!”

No matter what anyone says, the Police Academy movies were sweet. There’s something for everyone in these films whether you’re a tiny-voiced black lady with a jerry curl like me or a gun-toting maniac who solves each problem with a Desert Eagle like me. And let’s not forget Michael Winslow’s sound effects – beep boop beep. Hilarious!

I recently discovered that bologna is a combination of chicken, beef and pork. Which means it’s either the ultimate meat or competely disgusting crime against nature.

I admit it; sometimes I throw pennies in the garbage. I don’t care, I hate them and they’re everywhere. I bet there are a couple of pennies on the ground by your feet right now. Look around you. Some people are like, “Just put them in a jar.” Well I already have a penny jar. It’s called the garbage.

My favorite coffee is a mocha, half-sip, double x, chai-steam, latte frappe-dingo with caramel, whipped cream and gravy. It costs thirty two dollars. I can’t start my miserable day without one!

Anyone who doesn’t believe that dreams are merely the brain’s attempt to make sense out of the random firing of synapses should explain why when I awoke with neck pain – I was convinced it was all Brett Favre’s fault.

F…f…fat camp.