Flag Flu Spreads Wildly Through America

Amazon.com knows me too well. Recently, they suggested three items based on my recent purchases – a heavy metal album, a bandana and Golden Girls Season Five. I’m not sure which to buy first! Answer: Golden Girls.

I started watching the Spanish channel to learn Spanish but so far all I’ve learned is how to get a boner. Muy caliente!

Scientists complain about not knowing how to make black holes but it’s really easy. Just put a microwave inside another microwave and drop it into a giant bathtub of explode-y juice. I call it the “Blacken Holinator”. It’s not a good name.

Artificial insemination is a copout for baby-hungry lesbians. They should go through the trouble of having a weiner get them pregnant regardless of their preference for women. Not because of the biological or religious reasons but I think it’s a good test to see if they’re serious about motherhood. And funny.

Kellogg’s and Saturday Morning Cartoons presents: Baby-Hungry Lesbians!

If there were a way to give up eating and pooping I would sign up for that program in an instant. I just don’t see the benefit. Aside from being an excuse to socialize and aiding in survival it seems like a complete waste of time. Ice cream can stay, though. And instead of pooping out the ice cream we can just sneeze it away. This is a great idea.

Daytime is a constant struggle to destroy the sun. That giant burning ball of crap is approximately ten gazillion miles away yet it will not leave me alone. I don’t bug people in China every day. Except for Woo Pin – but he’s a jerk.